Links for the chain.

(Ending Credits)

Truth is always said to be concrete and obvious.. It is said to be the purest of all things, the closest to our hearts and the most manipulative weapon we can ever use.
I'll tell you the truth, I'll tell it whole, but please don't step on my remains.. I'm already in pain.

-What’s with the fake smile, aye! Is everything alright?
Please don’t give me that face.. I need to understand what’s going on inside your head.
Don’t you dare tell me you need some time alone because I’ve already given you 19 years of alone time to think ahead and try to figure things out by yourself!

-I’m alright. It’s just that I’m lacking sleep.

-Oh come on! Not that same lie again! You’ve been telling everybody the same lie for years now and I’m sick of that!  I’m not them, I’m not a stranger, I’m your..

-Of course you are a stranger! Of course you are! How can you not be a stranger when I’ve never trusted you? You’re not an exception, you’re the same as everybody else and I’ll never trust you! Please don’t look disappointed ‘cause I bet my life you’d be even more disgusted and turned down if I ever lied to your face and claimed that you are my only trusted friend and that I only feel secure when you’re around. I know that’s what you’ve always wanted to hear but I’m sorry, I cannot lie about such things. I cannot deny the fact that you’re doing your best, but I never asked for that.. I never asked for sympathy from anyone, I never wanted you to try and understand me.. Matter of fact, I fucking hate it when you or other ones ask me what’s wrong! I hate that, and I fucking hate people who insist on knowing! Fuck you. I don’t wanna trust you, no, not with my fragile remains, not with stories behind my scars… Fuck you. Don’t even try!

-Thank you for the kind words, but in case you have forgotten, I'd like to remind you of the fact that you cannot get past my existence. I’ve been here since day one and I ain’t planning on leaving even if you want me to. You can’t live without me. You can’t handle things alone, you’re so consumed by loneliness and you just cannot do shit about it.
I hope you gather up enough courage to let go of the past.. I hope you grow wise enough to forgive them.. I hope for the best to happen to you, and that's what I've been trying to achieve for the last 19 years: I've been trying to make you move on with your life and let go of the grudge you're holding, because I've seen it grow strong and consume your broken soul. You deserve to be saved so  please don't push me away, trust me, give me a chance, don't give up on yourself. You're surrounded by assholes and that's what makes the situation twice as fucked up. I know how sad you get at the sight of them leaving, I know how hurt can you get by words thrown randomly at you during some "fun time", I know how fragile you are, I know how to treat you, how to tend your wounds, how to introduce you to life outside of the dark cubic room.. Please let me help.

-BULLSHIT! I don't trust you. I will never give you the power to manipulate me. We're done, now it's time to bid you and the whole world farewell!

-WaIT!NO! Don't..

And she fell, from the 27th floor down to her bloody end, leaving the world to those who can either handle it or ignore its bullshit and survive.. She left no trace of depression or whatever it is that can push a person to commit suicide. Few hours later the police came by to examinate her place, and found a videotape of her last minutes of life. They played it, and agreed that the girl had some mental issues, as they saw her alone, talking to... Nobody.

Unforgotten.

" Leave The Light On "

Yearning for something new is always normal, always expected. Yearning for old stuff is what fucks my mind up. I'm in a state of dizziness and confusion.. I want some of my childhood back.. I want a part of the worst years of my life back, and I mean what I'm sayin' ..

Do you miss me, dear old cartoons, dear first toys, dear torn-up walls, dear imaginary boys?
Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you get the same feelings I used to get back then? Do you ever feel broken for not being able to turn back in time?
I fucking hate time! ... DO YOU?
Do you sing along with me when I play old music and cry as I be recalling words and how much they meant to me? Do you get the chills, watching old photos and smelling old books?

I'm torn apart, and you're nowhere to be found.. I'm all messed up, I know, but then there are those details that make me forgive my father.. There are some moments that make me get over the pain for some time .. There's this old photobook and those old songs stuck within the same memory that keeps on torturing me and making me the monster I am.. The monster they'll never see.
But where are you when I need you the most? Where the hell are you wanderin'? I'm right in front of you! Come on, little nice memories..
I know you'll never be real ever again, but... HELP..?

You're to get all the blame, yet you would've never been born this way if it wasn't for people's actions. I don't know why I'm blaming you for all this mess I'm living in, all in all you're just a mass of consequences .. Bad ones I can tell. You're the result of all the scars, the tears, the burns, the slaps, the kicks, the punshes.. You're the result of what they've done, yet you get all the blame. So unfair, isn't it?

Ain't I crazy, dear readers? I'm writing this whole thing to something that's been created thanks to my existence, something that only lives inside of me, and dies soon as I vanish away, leaving nothing but that photoalbum that contains all of my photos, taken as I cry ...
Yeah, that reminds me of how much I hated everything, even photos. I was shy, scared of everyone and everything, ashamed of being who I am even as a kid.
"But hey, I thought kids are supposed to be innocent and spontanious!"
Yes. Unfortunately, they are.

Fiction. I fucking loved fiction back then. I had a crush on a fictionnal character. I had dreams about myself getting all those fictionnal powers I used to imagine while reading books or watching TV.
I used to pray to God under my blanket, asking to own any type of superpower.
That shit lived up with me for years and years, until I suddenly lost faith in God, in all gods, and all sacred beliefs.
I kept on praying for an unexisting "God", to get something that was out of everyone's reach. I yearned for the unreachable and now all I've got left is a tons of memories that torture me, yet keep me alive. Depressive, ain't it?

Fiction. I still see fiction between the lines of my favorite books.. The lines of a fictionnal character's body.. The lines that I had to walk straight on but I refused and chose my own shady path.. Fiction.

I love fiction. I hate inventing fictionnal stuff. I feel like a God, failing his mission to make an imaginary creature come to life. I hate this. I hate me. And I hate childhood.


I don't drink or do drugs.. I'm just looking for a sort of relief.. I'm fading away.

Superpowers do not exist.

(Leave The Light on)

If you had the choice, what superpower would you have and why?

1- I'd most probably choose the ability to fly. To be honest, I'm suffocating down here and I'd like to see what it's like to see this planet from above.. Plus, I think it would be good to be able to escape anything, anytime, to be able to fly away from it all and just take some time out.. I mean, come on! Isn't it tiring, having to deal with people and their shits on a daily basis? Isn't it annoying, having to spend your whole life either WALKING away or SITTING down there waiting for a miracle? RUNNING won't get me as far as flying will, and instead of SITTING down and waiting for the perfect chance, I'd fly and go get it myself.

2- Definitely Invisibility. As for why, I think it's because it's better to turn into an invisible creature and just be of no harm to anybody than to suffer from insecurities and have to do a great effort to hide your pain and suffering just to look normal in front of those assholes who treat you like shit, not giving a damn about your psychological state, and then claim that they're your friends, they're not being rough with you, they're just kidding and you're a fucking retarded for asking them to be a bit nicer ! *Sighs* .. Sorry but how can you be willing to deal with such circumstances for the rest of your miserable life just to "look normal"? Is that even logical? I mean.. If they do not tolerate your insecurities and try to help you get over them, then how the fuck can they be called YOUR FRIENDS? I just don't get it..

3- It's hard to choose, but... hummm.. I've already made my mind as a kid, and the definition of ultimate power for me was Reading Minds, probably because it's always good, knowing what people think of you or what they're willing to do to you in the future.. It's a life saviour I'd say!
Some people pretend they love us, but they don't.. Some people make promises, but they never keep them.. Some others want to earn your trust and act like they're your closest people, just so they can hurt you in every possible way later.. Actually, I have stopped asking myself why do human beings do such stuff when I realised that there's nothing I can do to change such facts, but there are infinite possibilities for me to escape them as much as I can. To be totally honest, it's so hard to do so without knowing what those around you are thinking, although it is possible to understand people's ways of thinking in very short periods of time.. Still I really need that superpower in order to avoid damage and keep my distance with those who fake sympathy and love. I'm already afraid that everybody hates me so I try my best not to socialize, but everytime I do, due to various reasons, I end up being scarred and hurt to a point that a lot of things inside of me change instantly without me trying anything at all.

4- Body Flexibility is what I'd choose for sure, surely because I'll fall in love with my body if I ever get to experience such a thing! I'm sure I'd be less insecure about my body and all its ugly details if I get the chance to extend and twist my whole body freely and as much as I want.. Oh man, that's not pretty, but it's all I want I swear to God. You have no idea about the constant pain I'm living with, trying so hard to love myself and failing every attempt, oh and.. failing makes it even worse.. It makes everything worse than it already is.. It makes you want to stop existing because your existence itself feels like a huge failure, and everytime you think about it, the fucked up feeling intensifies.. You just cannot escape from that room full of feels and broken mirrors if you carry on, living this "appearently normal" life.

5- Most certainly the power to control water. I mean, is there any better superpower in the world? I doubt if there's any. To be fully honest, I am pyrophobic,since I've been seeing nightmares of me burning alive since I was a child, and the same nightmare can still get me and scare the shit out of me to this very day. I hate fire ! It is disgusting ! Fire is anger.. Fire is agressivity.. Fire is roughness.. Fire is unfaithfulness.. Fire is every fear I have in the world, burning in flames but getting bigger and scarier instead of vanishing away in ashes as the wind blows. I cannot tell what I've been through as a child, but I can assure you that I hated fire because of some people's ways of treating me. It's what made me the weird and insecure I am today, and at this very moment, talking about flames makes me wanna drown in water and experience death. Controling water will help me deal with fire, and whoever starts a fire and runs away.. It will give me enough strength to stand and fight those agressive people who keep on treating me like shit just because I don't react to their bitchy acts and try to convince myself that they're friends so they deserve other chances.. I fucking hate fire, and if I ever got the chance to control water, I'd let them all drown and send them straight to hell.

Here's the deal, dear readers: The ones who were asked and gave answers were imagining themselves doing what they wanted to do with their most wanted supernatural abilities, which is why an answer that could've taken two sentences took way more than that.. 

How happy can one be, simply imagining himself doing what he wants to do, having what he wants to have, being where he wants to be. We all have our fantasies, and we all wish for 'em to come true, even if we grow old enough to see death wandering near us..

PS: I have asked myself a question, I have given my answers, and what you were reading was what I've always wanted to say. . .

You're too insecure.

                                                                   Radiohead - Nude

-It's been 2 hours and we're still on the road. How far is this place anyway?
-Are you bored?
-I'm just tired.
-But you're in a car, and you're not even driving. How come you're tired?
-I'm tired of this deafening silence! You've said no word since we hopped in, you haven't even stopped so we could have a drink or even look eachother in the eyes.. I didn't ask you where we'd go at first because I didn't give a damn about the distance, because I thought that as long as I'm around you, distance and time will never matter, that places we'd visit will always look beautiful and feel so unique even if it's a graveyard we're visiting, that people around us won't matter even if we're miles away from eachother, let alone if you're here by my side .. What happened? Why are you being someone else? Or is it me who has changed? Is it me who's pushing you away?
I want answers.
-I'm sorry.. I ..
-I said I want answers, not an apology.
-Do you trust me?
-More than you'll ever know.
-Then could you please try not to panic? You don't understand, it's definitely not what you think it is.
-Well, then explain! And do not ask me not to panic! You've known me for quite a long time now so you have no right to ask for such a thing.
-I'm so sorry, sweetness. I know how insecure you'd get over the tiniest details, but I swear to you, it is not what you think it is. I am not tired of you. No. Not even close to being tired. You are not pushing me away. No. Not even by a single inch. I still enjoy your company, I still want to go places with you, I still want us to take the time to look in eachothers' eyes in the middle of the street while people are rushing and breathing faster, I still want to stop by our favourite coffee shop to drink dark coffee and talk about whatever we want, I still want to go on rides with you not knowing the destination. You have no idea how important I think those details are to me.. But I think you do have an idea about how much YOU are important to me, so please rest your head and tell your imagination to stop taking you to areas you're not supposed to step into.
-Can I get an explaination now?
-I have so much to say. I want to say it all once we get to where I'm taking you, but while we're on the way, I want to keep reminding myself of every word I'm supposed to say because.. Trust me, every word I will say is of huge importance, which is why I kept silent all the way, trying to stay focused.
I kept focusing on all your details meanwhile. You know I always want to refresh my memory, I always want to remind myself of you: How many times a day you blink or even yawn, how bright you shine when you smile, and how many times a day I can make you smile. You're to be remembered, you're so precious. Those details I memorize help me see a perfect picture of you in my dreams or as I lay awake, thinking of new adventure we should go for.
-Isn't it strange? My insecurities are pushing it too far, and I think I've been hard on you for no reason at all. It's all over.
-You got over your insecurities? Now that's something to feel happy about!
-No, love. I'm over you.
-BUT WAIT.. WHAT HAPPENED?
-I'll give it a shot my dear. I'll try to change every changeable thing about me, I'll try to change my vision angle, I'll let some light in.. I'm willing to paint my room in different colors, wear girly clothes, smile at strangers and kick my insecurity's butt, go out more often with some other people, play music that everybody else listens to.. I'll also get rid of all my books, I'll buy some Paolo Coelho novels instead.
-BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU LOVE ! THAT'S NOTHING LIKE YOU!
-Let go of all this crap please. We both know that I ain't got nowhere to go, the way I am now..
-So you've decided that..
-I still want to hear what you wanted to tell me.
-Alright then. Let's make it quick: I've been thinking for days now.. we both love eachother, but the world's cruelty is pushing it too far.. You're losing it, I'm tired, trying to protect you from everything and everyone, including your own self.. This is not the way things should go.. I love you, with all those insecurities, all the uncontrollable fear you've got, and all the "wrong" decisions you've made.. I love your sad smiles, your tired yet sparkling eyes, your very thin voice, the way you try to hide your lips as you talk, the way you look at those very few things that you love, the way you hide your face with your long hair when you're unsure about something, the way you blush when you tell me you love me, the fact that a very cute smile of hope and strength covers your lips whenever you talk about your future. I love it when you get lost, listening to music, when you sigh as you drink you coffee, when you laugh at the silliest acts or jokes even though I know that it's not a good sign.. I love those details that make you who you are, and I love the fact that I can put up with your every mood..
I can't stay still, seeing you suffocate despite the fact that I'm by your side..
We'll both die here and now.
- ..

*drifts*
*crashes*
Not to be continued.

Ayo, saviour.

                                                    James Morrison - I Won't Let You Go

I've always been a strong believer of the fact that everything happens for a reason, that we never meet people by chance, that our fate is already written down some unseen notes, that our next steps are already planned in a way that we don't know much about... Until very recently.

No, ladies and gentlemen. NOTHING exists or occurs according to an already schemed pack of future events! People are not meant to appear before you because of some heavenly written reasons! That's not the way life goes!
If that's the way things have been going for the last millions of years, then how come some people are living in wealth and luxury while some others can't find enough food for a night? How come some people are living in stability while others are being tortured by wars? How come some people are engineers, doctors, designers and artists, while some others are thieves scary criminals?
Don't you dare tell me this is fate and destiny. NONSENSE !
Our choices are what leads us to where we stand now, whether we're at safe spots or not. Yes, people, our choices are what makes us who we are.
Every step we take in life needs a decision, and every decision takes us to its special road, and unless we're dary enough to put everything on the line to get the best life we dream of living, we'll either end up being puppets like our ancestors, filled with anger and regret, or just become disgusting criminals.

Choosing art to be an essential ingredient in our lives is the most dary and risky choice one can ever make in a country like ours, but it's still the best choice to ever think of!
Have you ever seen a mentally twisted person within a family that does art? I don't think so!
Art is a pure saviour, let me tell you. Art can get away all the pain that's hidden within the depth of one's soul, it's a healer, a cure to all types of illness, even behavioural one.
Art is an escape, a shield, a weapon against bad choices, an eraser of past mistakes, a way to throw away negativity, without having it hit anybody who's standing near. I just love that great pain I feel while doing my art my own way. I fall in love with the way I kick out all the feelings I keep bottled inside everytime I dance, I fall in love with the depth of the words I write on those notes I end up burning and never show to anyone, I simply fall in love with that painful cure that brings a relief like no other afterwards.

They say art is for twisted minds and I agree. Art is for those who can't sleep at night, but get inspired to be the most creative versions of themselves instead, no matter what kind of creativity it can be. Art is for those who can't express themselves properly with spoken words, it is for those who never speak right, for those of us who hide a whole paragraph behind a simple word, which is why I've always assumed that not anybody is capable of understanding people's forms of artwork.
I admire those who can get the creative dragon that's inside of them out when they're lacking sleep or just not being in the mood to act like human beings. Those who sing sad lyrics with happy tones, those who tell you how beautiful you look while drawing your figure even though they're only focusing on the tiniest scratches on your skin, those who can look through you and understand what's never been said, those who can make an instrument tell their whole lives without having to pronounce a single word... I happen to admire those people, and I fall in love with their different sides and moods every single day of my life.

People.. The same thing about fate goes for people.. You don't just meet people because "it's your fate" and "you guys were meant to meet from the beginning". NO.
You happen to meet people BY CHANCE and it's all up to you whether or not they stay in! If you like somebody, you'll let them into your life and try to keep them, if you don't, you'll end things up and move on. Simple as that, ladies and gents! There's no destiny in this. It's always gonna be a matter of choice and paths you walk. Oh and, about choices, I have made mine, I let most people out of my life and some others in, I've ended relationships with some and began a brand new chapter with some, and it was all my decision, I took total responsibility of the few steps I've come to make very recently, and despite everything, I'm so thankful I'm feeling that my choices were right!
People will disappoint you most of the time, but that doesn't mean that all people will, which is why trusting guts when it comes to selecting companions is of a huge importance.

I hope you all get to experience that awesome feeling I felt the moment I met.. them.

Anxious or nah?

                                                                    Elliot Moss - Slip

It's been days since I last slept. I hate that kind of pain you experience when you're exhausted and all you could ever ask for is some hours of sleep, but you just can't get any.. The struggle to remain calm despite all the unbearable exterior stress-causing facts.. The desperation to run from it all and leave to NOWHERE.

I'm not going to apologize for the f'd up intro. I don't even know how the hell am I able to write in these shitty conditions!

Man o' man, what have all those insecurities done to me.. Poor little me.
I still want to talk about all those assholes who make fun of other people's insecurities, but what good is that gonna do? Even those who surround me and say they love me are doing the same: They make fun of your weaknesses, your insecurities and your fears! They talk rude to you whenever you're anxious, not giving a shit about the fact that YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT! They say you are just being silly, they call you names and humiliate you then pretend to care for you and love you.
They make fun of who you are and seem to hate all about you, saying you're a ball of insecurities and anxiety.. And then they want you there by their sides, backing them up whenever they face the tiniest problems.. The strange thing is; You always do as they want!
You know, one time a "friend" of mine got into a tiny argument with her mother over something you'll definately think was silly, she cried and screamed, she panicked and got so frustrated that no one could even talk to her .. Guess who understood her frustration and got her out of it?

Man o' man I bet it makes you feel horrible whenever you think about how bothersome they make you feel like you've become whenever anxiety knocks on your door in public. You also hate the fact that nobody could ever understand why you tend to isolate yourself at home and not get out with anybody.. You hate that it made them leave.
And now you just hate everything about mental and psychological disorders!

Here's what I've always wanted to say to those who hurt other people:
You'll never know how an anxious person struggles to go to the closest shop to their home to buy some necessary stuff! You'll never know the amount of frustration they try to deal with, as people lay eyes on them while they're crossing the street! You'll never see pain in their broken smiles; but they do understand, and they don't ask for any favor, so why don't you be a decent human bein' and show respect? They struggle on a daily basis and do their best to deal with it, no matter the difficulties, they're true worriors and you are not!

Please be nice, to everybody .. I'm not telling you to smile for anybody you come across or to take everybody out for a ride, I'm only asking you to respect people, because you never know what people went or still go through, you never know when they'll reach their breaking point so don't be the reason they do .. They won't tell you they live with any kind of disorder (unless it's an eating disorder, then they'll have to tell you if you're gonna cook for them or take them out for dinner), they won't explain their pain to you, not only because they don't want to sound like they want your pity, but also because they cannot explain what happens to them since they don't really uderstand it, they know nothing about its origins and even if they knew, they'd hide it from you to avoid any unpleasant act that might come outta you ..

You see how much a simple word can affect a person?

Please be careful and watch your behaviour.

أنت و خيبات أملي.

                                                A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless

"أين نحن يا عزيزي؟ أين أنت؟ كم بعيد أنت عنّي؟"

تلك كانت الأسئلة التي أطرحها على المجهول اللذي يقتحم كوابيسي كلّ ليلة ليطرد الرّعب عن مخيّلتي.. تلك المخيّلة التي برعت في تعذيبي مذ بدأت أعي بما حولي..
هو لم يكن فارسا يمتطي حصانا و يرتدي درعا.. هو لم يشهر سيفا في وجه الوحوش التي تطاردني كلّ ما غفوت.. لا.
مجرّد ضهوره أمامي كان يزيح كلّ ذلك الحمل الثقيل عنّي، و رغم أنّي لا أعرف عنه شيء، إلّا أنني تعوّدت على وجوده.

- أاُطلعك على سرّ؟ لقد تعبت من الوحدة! تعبَت مخيّلتي من إختلاق الأصدقاء.. لم أعد أستطيع مواجهة هذا الفراغ المظلم الذي إجتاح جسدي و روحي .. تلك الرّوح التائهة التافهة التي لم يعد يسعها أيّ مكان على وجه هذه الأرض.
تعبت من الوحدة و لا أريد أصدقاء. لا أريد أيّ نوع من العلاقات و لا أطلب من أحد إيجاد حلّ... تعبت من الوحدة و كفى.

- أتعرفين من أنا؟ أنا الوحدة التي سكنتك و اِعتكفت كنائس روحك المنهكة. أنا من كان يتسلّى بجعلك ترين أفضع الكوابيس لآتي كالفارس الشهم و أتظاهر بإنقاذك. أنا من كان يحثّك على المكوث لساعات بل لأيّام في غرفتك.
أنت لم تتعبي منّي قطّ، لقد اِستسلمت لي و تعوّدت على وجودي.
إعترفي بأنّك لا تستطيعين التّخلّي عنّي مهما حاولت، بأنّ مصيرك مرتبط بي و بأنّ تواجدك وسط مجموعة بشريّة ليس هدفك في الحياة. إعترفي بأنّ وجودي يلهم مخيّلتك للكتابة و الرّقص .. تحتاجيني في كلّ خطوات حيا..

- نعم أحتاجك! أرجوك لا تتركني.

- ظننتك قد تعبت منّي.. أغيّرت رأيك؟

- لا. أريدك أن تلازمني حتّى أدفنك مع كلّ خيبات أملي حين أرحل.

- إلى أين؟

- إلى جوار الرّب إذا ما وجدته.

فلنرقص.

                                                                 
                                                                    Yuma - نغير عليك

لقد أقسمت أن أختفي، و لكنّ تلك المرآة اللعينة لا تفشل أبدا في تذكيري بأنّ قَسَمي شبه كاذب.. "شبه كاذب" لأنني نجحت في إخفاء الجزء العاطفيّ فيّ. لقد دفنته. هو لم يمت بعد، و لكنّي متأكّدة أنّه سينام الدّهر و لن يبصر الضّوء مجدّدا. 

-أنت على خطأ، ما من أحد يستطيع العيش بدون مشاعر.

-و هل بدى لك أنني على قيد الحياة؟

- ألازال الدم يسري في عروقك؟

-سأقطّعني إربا حتّى نتأكّد. أين السّكّين يا ..

-كفى! ما الذي غيّرك؟ ما الذي أدّى بشخص مثلك إلى الجنون؟

-فلنرقص!

-أحبّك...

-قلت فلنرقص.

لم أدع أحدا يكلّمني تلك الليلة. عانقت الوسادة و إستلقيت أرضا، على أمل أن يمرّ الوقت بسرعة، أن أستيقظ من ذلك الكابوس الفضيع..

-كفاك كذبا. لقد كان حلما جميلا.
-لا بل كان مروّعا !
-كيف ذلك؟
-لم أستطع النظر إليه، لم أتمكّن من الغرق في ظلام عينيه.. لم أستطع الكلام .. كان يشكو لي همومه، يسرد لي ذاك الكلام الذي نسرده لأنفسنا و نقسم ألّا نبوح به لأحد مهما تعبنا و أنهِكَت قوانا، كان يمرّر أصابعه الرّقيقة بين خصل شعري المتموّج، كأنّه يطلب منّي بعض المواساة و كثيرا من الحبّ ..
لم أستطع تحريك ساكن، راودتني كلّ تلك الأفكارالتي ترعبني كلّ ليلة .. لم أستطع الهرب .. و حينها أدركت أنّ كياني مكسور، أنّ الكآبة قد اِمتصّتني بالكامل، أنّ قبح جسدي و ضعف شخصيّتي هما من تعاونا على دفن المشاعر الآدميّة التي وُلِدت فيّ ..
-إبكِ.
-كم أريد البكاء، و لكنّي لا أستطيع ..
-أحبّك..
-فلنرقص.

عزيزي القارئ، لك حرّيّة تخيّل الشخصيّات و أجناسهم، كما لك حرّيّة تخيّل بقيّة النص إن لم تكتفي بالتفاهة التي كتبتها، و لكنني لست مسؤولة عن ما فهمت و عن أين سافرت بك مخيّلتك..
و على ذكر المخيّلة، للحديث بقيّة..

Points n' commas.

                                                          Opeth - To Bid You Ferwell

.. So I've decided to come here and share a couple of fucked-up thoughts that come across my mind from time to time. Sorry for the language.
It's 7 minutes past midnight, Opeth are entertaining my ear and helping me get through this shitty night.
Oh August nights, you're supposed to be the shortest, yet you're only getting longer and scarier!

Wow, that was long for an intro..! Anyway, let's get to business.

You know (no actually, you don't.), I fear my own mind and my own thoughts, I fear the stuff I write about, and I fear my way of writing them. Call me a coward I don't give a damn! It's like 00:17 now and I'm starting to get those nighttime feelings, my confusions are taking over my mind as the world's noise fades away, my shady vision of this life and its events is getting more and more messed-up, the negativity and the dark thoughts that I'm living with become of a stronger impact as the night falls.
I really want to understand what's the thing about night, that makes everything look so different, that erases some people's memories, that makes a huge change in everyone's behaviour, that changes people's voices and that allows everything to happen (including dangerous confessions) .
I wonder what most people feel like the next morning. I wonder if they regret anything they've said or done at night, because to be honest, I don't understand what kind of mechanism in the human body makes those terrifying changes, and what makes it even worse is that I don't change in the same way as them at night ..
What's the matter with them? Or is it me who's a weird creature? I don't seem to get it ..
I hate it when older people ask me to forget about my questions, prevent me from asking, or accuse me of being out of my mind! What's wrong with seeking answers? What's wrong with thinking differently? I just do not understand..

I know I'm jumping from a topic to another, but please don't mind my very confused mind .. It's 01:01 right now, I'm dizzy, I want relief, I want peace, I want them out of my life ! Yes ! (that's another topic) Trust me, 99.99% of those whom I let into my life through the front door ended up messing with my feelings, ruining my life, my way of thinking, my perception angle for things and facts, and yeah .. EVERYTHING. I can no longer let anybody in! I'm already ruined, I'm a mess, a scary one ... Even though I hate the way I am, I can't change a thing about it. Let's face it, I lost the battle, and the only thing I'm almost free to do now is breathing. It's only through these aweful experiences that I came to realize that I really LOVED people and had faith in them until the very end, which is why it had hurt even more than it should've. That's a devastating fact indeed, I'd never wish for anyone to experience such horrifyingly painful periods (if that's even a right expression).

I didn't intend to write something so depressive and confusing, but what else can one do when confusion finds its way through to get them low, below the ground? That's the only thing that I cannot apologize for. Yup, I'd feel insecure about everything except writing, despite my scary writing style.

That was so unnecessary, right? Anyways, it's like 01:23 a.m and I'm out of feelings for now, so ...


To be continued .. maybe ..

Do you trust them?

                                                          Opeth - For Absent Friends

.. Night has fallen again, today is almost over "for them", daylight is escaping to another part of the globe, waking some other "them" up, filling them up, either with positive energy or with some quickly-fading types of emotions..
I don't like that. I honestly don't. I don't wake up to whatever they wake up to, and I'm not saying that I'm waking up to worse living conditions because .. NOPE. Sorry boo.. That's not it! But still I don't like it. What a messed up world we fucking live in! Do you ever wish you were never born to see such malicious deeds, such crimes, such violence, such thirst for money and blood ...? Do you? Probably not. You think your life is precious, don't you? If so, then why don't you open up your pretty eyes take a close look at the misery that our world is suffering? It's about time we start thinking, my dear.

Let me tell you something that might push you to think that I'm insane: I don't watch TV at all. Not a single type of shows, not a single glance at the news, no. Oh and, I'm not up-to-date with what goes on in this world anymore! I'm done with all that nonsense and I want it to stop, but can't do a thing to help... That's what's bringing me down, I suppose.
While analyzing any situation and any violent event that ever occurs, I come out with really scary conclusions, and you know what's the scariest part about all that? It's that those conclusions are the closest to reality and the farthest from what the media is making the people believe! Don't you think it's scary how truth is being replaced wih lies, and that those lies are only being held on to just because they suit a minority's will? If you don't, then I suggest you start using that mind of yours, and maybe things will get a bit clearer as you do some thinking.

The world is scary. I am scared. HELP!

While you're tweeting silly stuff, while you're drinking your milkshake and wandering around doing nothing good for yourself or for the world, while you're watching make-up tutorials trying to "look good enough" instead of reading a book that would make you "cultivated enough", a whole lot of disgusting deals are being made under a lot of tables, an awful lot of lives are being sold for the sake of obtaining power, and what kind of power! That mad power that's only used for destruction, where the ones in charge are starting unecessary wars, just to prove themselves stronger.. doesn't it scare you? doesn't make you feel at least uncomfortable?

Look back, remember how we once were, remember what they'd taught us at schools, and you'll see how much of a hypocritic world we live in! They teach you that all types of lives matter, and all they do is kill.
They teach you that all types of difference are to be accepted, yet they eliminate anybody who's different from them.
They teach you to respect everybody, but they ain't got respect for anybody.
They teach you to take care of this precious planet, yet they're the ones who are destroying it.
They teach you to love everybody and be tolerent, yet all they do is spread hate through their disgusting speeches.
They teach you that education and culture are the most important at life, yet all those who are taking control of everything are the small-minded, the evil-minded, the STUPID.

Do you still trust them?..

If you think you're depressed ...

                                                      Virgin Steele - Child Of Desolation

It’s extremely painful to write down something in an attempt to explain the reasons for your current spiritual and mental situation (not to mention the healthy and social one), and do you know why? Well I do! And the answer is : Because you can’t find the right words to express yourself, you can’t explain it as it should be explained or as you feel it should be explained, you just aren’t strong enough to dive deep inside your every thought and place it with your own hands on your own papers or computer … let’s just face it; if you’re living with depression, anxiety or whatever the fuck it is, you’re most likely to get your state of mind even more screwed than it ever was ! you fail every task, and it’s not because you’re being weak or not willing to give it a try, but because you seriously CANNOT ! you are already lost and tired, a heavy flow of thoughts fucks you up all the time and prevents you from sleeping at night, and even if you fall asleep, it haunts you down and shows you the scariest and most disgusting nightmares ever ! And God are they longer than eternity!

You're suffocating in here! It’s eating you from both the inside and the outside! You're all tired and messed up to a point where you no longer know what’s wrong and what’s right, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s too early to be said and what’s too late to be done..! I know for sure, you feel like you're a huge mess right now and you don’t think you can take the pressure longer enough! Why is it that we have to be like that? Why is it we have to feel what we're feeling right now and behave the way we're behaving right now? I don’t seem to understand, but that’s actually NOT the problem ! I know for a fact that every night feels  lonelier than the night before, every thought seems darker than the ones before, every fight seems harder than the ones before AND IT’S ALL SO FUCKING TIRING !

Actually whenever I try to think about my life and everything that's related to my own self it goes something like this : What the fuck?! Why? Seriously, why can’t I be some normal girl with a sane mind and a healthy body? Do I have to freakin’ feel everything so deep? Do I have to protest against every event that ever occurs in my miserable life? Why do I feel so weak and powerless? It’s like I’m giving everybody a power over me! It’s like I’m giving them the permission to step on my back and break it, and then break all my bones and throw my remains to the devil to play with! This does not feel right at all, but I’ve tried and tried, I’ve gone beyond my already-set-up limits , I’ve risked everything in search of any kind of solution for my very poor soul, I stood on the edge and screamed my heart out without getting out a single sound! And then what?! Hein? Here I am, laying down, in a very small and messy room, on an expensive yet uncomfortable bed, facing the  same struggles, drowning in a dry tank, drinking my tears and eating my regret… regret for the things I could’ve accomplished if I were normal and sane, but I didn’t because I absolutely wasn’t and can never be one!

I’m as lonely as can’t be, so tired and messed up, so unfaithful and short-handed! It even gets worse as I can’t even talk about all this to anyone since people have “matured” enough to judge whoever is facing such problems and accuse them of being crazy, drama queens, liars, attention-seekers and plenty of other BRILLIANT stuff… Isn’t it just amazing? I’m so grateful for having such a supportive surrounding! Hah! No it’s actually even more fucked up and harder to fix, when you’re also ugly and so unwanted. You feel like you AND everybody around you are against the idea of your existence itself, and trust me, it’s by far the most painful feeling you can ever get .. I hate myself already, but I hate it even more for not even being able to connect with others, all due to some lame appearance issues. 

Imagine having to live with such sets of feelings, EVERY.SINGLE.DAY of your already-fucked-up life .. I don’t think you’ll ever like “thinking about it” anyway. 

Man it’s all nonsense, it’s all crappy but I just cannot get past it no matter how much or how hard I try, and what gets it even more fucked up, is that there will come a time where I won’t be able to hide it anymore, and that’s what's scaring me the most. Oh and by the way (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/dont-call-me-crazy/2016/07/does-depression-physically-hurt/)

Remains and brokenness ..

                                                   Soldier Of Fortune (cover by Opeth)

Trust issues .. what a vast and delicate topic to write about, here in my dark room 30 minutes past midnight !

I'm not lost or anything, just so you all know. I'm just so tired that I don't even know how these words are being typed on my computer .. I want answers, but don't wanna get hurt, knowing that I already am wounded and scarred to a point where I could no longer see unscratched areas inside of me ...

Man o' man that was so dark ! hahaha.. What do you expect? Late night thoughts were made so that you get scared enough to sleep at 10 pm the next night, I believe. What am I sad about, you ask?

I'm sorry, you're so wrong, I'm not sad ! Actually, let me break it down for you:

It's not sadness that's holding me down and making me the huge mess I am today, it's way more complicated than that, my darling. I'm A HAPPY PERSON with the most fucked up state of mind you'll ever hear of ! I don't and I WON'T trust anybody ! Even if it seems to be the one and only choice that I've got left ... I create choices, I take nothing from nobody. No actually, why would I? Do I have to give trust and rest assured while somebody is more likely to fuck my life up than I can ever imagine? I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do, but I'm okay with it as long as it brings less damage, I suppose. I don't understand why I have to accept things as they are .. I also don't understand why people who don't wanna accept things as they are, try their hardest to change them .. Why change when you can just walk away and move forward in life with various other choices that sure are better than the ones that were to be imposed by others ! 

Are we gonna keep lying to eachother? I'm heartbroken, but not because of my ex-boyfriend whom I caught cheating... not because of those guys who gave false promises and never fulfilled any ... Not because I'm not pretty enough to date the guy that I may "like" ... No ! Those are just excuses I keep telling myself whenever I feel more unaccepted than usual !

I'm sorry, but, it's way more complicated than you ever thought, now let me break it down for you:

It bothers the fuck outta me that I can't "like" anybody, that I don't have the courage to erase the perfect pictures I draw for people by choosing not to talk to them at all, that whoever seems to start filling the emptiness in me, WILL eventually cause me horrible types of damage even if they don't want or mean to ... It fucks me up, knowing that feeling unwanted is taking over every other kind of feeling that I may ever get ! What the hell am I? I don't seem to understand ... I'm broken, I'm in pieces, I'm hurt, so hurt that I can no longer talk about anything that's bothering me to anyone ... I hope nobody gets affected by my bad vibes, and I'm so sorry, but if I feel like writing, I'll write, so to hell with whatever thought you get while wasting your energy, reading such rediculous words that won't do you any good.

I'm so hurt, I feel like screaming and crying and doing all that stuff that fragile people do, but I don't think I'm that fragile, so to hell with it, I'm just gonna remain silent and let what's written give a slight idea about what cannot be spoken.
I'm so hurt that I just wanna sleep for the rest of my life...
Hiding is indeed a very effective solution to this kind of weird problems that I've been facing for years now ! Hiding IS a good plan to think of, whenever things go rough and you feel like not being able to take the pressure any longer ! I guess that's why I keep hiding from those that I once had trusted and loved ! Although they don't seem to give a shit, I still wanna hide like .. I don't wanna run into a person that was once a "great escaping place" and then turned out to be a "very bad choice" !

Now it's like 01:26 and I still feel like carrying the heaviest mountain up on my chest .. what is it that's causing me to feel uncomfortable in my very own bed? I wanna get rid of what's harming me, but I feel like it will take away my remains and erase my existence ...

الآن سأعيش !

                                              Haggard - Awaking The Centuries

من الظلام و الى الظلام أعود و أنا الظلام و أصله.

لا أريد من الظلام ألما أو أي نوع من الأفكار التعيسة التي سكنتني لسنوات.. أقسم أنّي لا أريد سوى الصلح ! آمنت أخيرا بأنّ من حقّي إيجاد السلام لروحي التائهة بعد أن قسوت عليها و كدت أمحيها تماما من الوجود. أدركت أخيرا أنني لم أعطي يوما أيّ فرصة للطفلة المحبوسة داخلي لتطلق العنان لطاقتها النقيّة و الجبّارة. ألم يحن الوقت لإذابة الجليد الذي يغطّي قلبي منذ الأزل؟ ألم يأن الأوان لأنزع عنّي رداء الكآبة و التعاسة؟ أليس من حقي أن أبتسم في غياب الكاميرات و الغرباء الذين لا ابتسم لهم إلّا بدافع الأدب و الاحترام؟ أعتقد أن الوحيدة القادرة على الإجابة عن تساؤلاتي هي هذه الفتاة التي تعكس مرآتي صورتها كل ما نظرت فيها ..

أنا و نفسي سنعقد اتفاقا يقضي بنسيان ما خلّف فينا جروحا عميقة و أقسم أن لا شيء سيمنعني من الوفاء بما وعدتُني به.

أضعت تسع عشرة سنة من وقتي "الثمين" عذّبت فيها ذاتي بشتّى الطّرق، إلى حدّ أنّي لم أدرك أنّ ما فعلته لم و لن يخلّصني من هذا السجن العفن.. الآن سأعيش ! الآن سأغمض عيني و أقفز من سقف كآبتي إلى أرض الأمل و تجدُّدِ الفرص، سأعيد بناء هذه الحياة و هذه الفتاة التي لم يعد لكرهها أيّ معنى.. سأحبّ الجميع و "لن أغفر لأحد بعد اليوم" ! أسمعتني أيّها الخوف؟ نعم لن أغفر و لن أدع أحدا يخدش درعي الذي كدت أقضي على نفسي لصنعه.

لا أعرف كم من قارئ صدّق هذا الهراء و لا أريد أن أعرف و لكن كلّ ما كتبته الآن كذب و سخرية ! آسفة و لكن ... كيف لك أن تصدق هذه التّرّهات المليئة بالتناقضات و المغالطات؟ لا يمكن لأمثالي أن يتركوا ذلك السجن العفن أو أن يمتلؤوا بالآمال و الأحلام الورديّة بين عشيّة و ضحاها.. و على ذكر السّجن العفن، للحديث بقيّة ...

- أمل باشا

عن الوحدة و الفراغ ..

                                                                              Pink Floyd - Echoes

عن الوحدة و الفراغ ...

أعجز في غالب الأحيان عن وصف ما أشعر به و ما نوع الخليط الشعوري الذي جعل مني ما أنا عليه اليوم و لكنني سأحاول و أحاول و أحاول حتى تيأس المحاولة مني ...

من أنا؟ هذا السؤال الفلسفي العميق و التافه في ذات الوقت ألقى بي في دهاليز لم أجد منها أي مخرج. لقد تهت فيك يا نفسي و لم أجد تفسيرا منطقيا أو شبه منطقي لوجودك، و أغلب الظن أن هذه المتاهة هي منبع الفراغ الذي يعذبني ويذبح أملي في النجاة وريدا تلوى الوريد. بداخلي فجوة سوداء تبتلع كل قطرة أمل أو رغبة في الحياة تجتاز باب روحي اللتي هيمن عليها لاشيئ .. و انه للاشيئ مفزع و مخيف إلى درجة أني لم أعد أجرؤ على مقاومته أو تعويضه بما قد يبعث فيّ حب الحياة الذي لم تتسن لي الفرصة للشعور به منذ نعومة أظافري.

أحاول إقناع نفسي أن في كلامي و معتقداتي من المبالغة الكثير ولكن من أنا حتى أقنع ذلك الصوت المدوّي بأن يغيّر المعتقد الذي يبثّه في نفسي الضعيفة التائهة؟ من أنا حتى أغضِبه؟ ماذا لو سلب مني ما تبقّى من ذاتي؟ ماذا لو منعني من الكتابة التي لطالما كانت متنفسي الوحيد؟ ماذا لو ... ما أضعفني أمام العدو و ما أشدّ ضعفي إن كنت لا أراه و لا أستطيع التنبؤ بما قد يفعله بي ... لقد إكتشفت و أنا أكتب هذا الهراء أنني إنسانة جبانة و ضعيفة أمام عدوّ كنت أنا أكبر أسباب ولادته ... هذا الفراغ القاتل، ذالك الحزن اللامفسّر، تلك الأوهام المرعبة التي أخشاها و أنا من كان السبب في ضهورها، تلك الرغبة القاتلة في الإختفاء و ذلك الجنون و الولع بشخص مجهول صنعته لي المخيّلة التي أشفقت عليّ من شدّة وحدتي و حياتي الفاقدة لأبسط المعاني .. تعبت من هذا الوضع المزر و المقزّز.

مقزّز هو ذلك الشعور بالوحدة و اللاإنتماء رغم وجود الجميع حولك، تلك الأصوات التي تعلو في داخلك لتقنعك بأنك لست إلّا أداة ترمى حال ما ينتهي "الأصدقاء" من إستعمالها، تلك الألوان التي تمحى مع هطول دموعك كأمطار العواصف كل ليلة عند عناقك الوسادة ... آه من تلك الوسادة ! هي تعرف عني الكثير و أقسم أني ما زلت متمسكة بديني فقط لكي أدعو ربي حتى تظلّ الوسادة جمادا لا ينطق بكلمة. أترى كل ما أعيشه نتيجة وحدتي؟ أم تراني أهذي منذ تسعة عشر عام وكل ما تحدث عنه هو محض كابوس يأتيه يوم و ينتهي مهما طال؟ 
تعبت هذه المدوّنة من التفكير في هذه المواضيع المعقدة، المؤلمة و الشائكة ! لم يعد بإمكان هذا الكان البشري الضعيف أن يتخلّى عن الأفكار الظلامية التي كانت أكبر أسباب ضياعه. و على ذكر الظلام، للحديث بقيّة ...