Things I Wish I Was Told Many Years Ago.

(Music)

Dear you,
at some point, you'll be twenty, and then you'll never be twenty again.

Don't damage yourself, you might regret it by the time you're twenty. Please don't damage yourself. Don't spend nights crying on the floor in the dark, don't belittle yourself, don't settle down for less than you deserve to please anyone, don't destroy your self-esteem, you are definitely gonna need it by the time you're twenty. You don't have to give in to darkness, and believe me when I say, that once you give in to it, there's no coming back.
As it is, just keep telling yourself that you have no time to be anything but happy, even if life is being hard on you, the young still-learning-to-survive you, the fragile you, the pretty with the sad eyes you.

You do not have to be somebody's honey to feel like you deserve to live a good life. You don't have to own your crush's approval to feel loved and appreciated. Love and appreciate yourself while you can, and eventually, you'll be forever cherished, wanted and fought for. Kiss your own fingertips, comfort yourself, play with your own hair, introduce your own self to new music, books, beverages, tasty food.. Take yourself out if nobody else does, go for a run or a swim by yourself if there ain't nobody who'd love to go with you. Knowing that they don't want to take care of you is your power, you'll know you're not with the wrong people, so until the right ones bump into you, you've gotta love yourself unconditionnally, and that, my darling, is how you'll stay fully ready to receive and accept lots of love from the right ones when the time has come.

But all I've been writing is making my heart ache so bad I feel it burning in great flames inside.. And all the advice I've been giving is all I wish I have been told many years ago.
You DO NOT want this to be your life. You do not want to grow up and see how years went by while you were locked in a room missing out on life. You do not want to look back and see nothing but trauma and negativity, and then nothing. And you certainly do not wish to live an empty life where days are all the same and regret is the spice for every moment that goes by.
You are worth more than anyone will make you think you are. You are more than one universe; knowing that for starters, you are your own universe, and even if you do not know it, you are, were and/or will be somebody else's universe.
If you're still not twenty, you still can get shit done so that when the time has come and when you're twenty, you'll make it an unforgettable year, and make the most of every minute of every day.

You'll still get your heart broken either by love or friendship, and maybe both. You're still gonna lie on the floor being hardly able to catch a breath, eyes blood red, battling countless monsters thinking that the night will never end, but at the very least, you know you've had amazing times in your life, and there will always be room for some more fun even the day after you thought you've lost the great war against the demons in your head.
You're still gonna have some of those days where you'd rather stay in bed all day not seeing or talking to anyone, and YES, you're still gonna feel so down in times, but hey, by the time you're twenty or more, there will be people who'll fight your battles, and hold on tight to you even when you turn into your worst self. You're still gonna have frightening nightmares, but if the days are bright, and the company is right, you'll always have the strength to fight.

How can we yearn for love if we don't give it to our own selves?

Love yourself.
Love yourself before it's too late.
Love yourself before you can no longer take a compliment.
Love yourself before you can no longer be able to fit in within people.
Love yourself before your demons take the wheel, ruining everything you have left.
Love yourself and I promise you that whatever scared you in the past will never do anymore.

Love yourself, and as for me, I wish I was told these things many years ago..

 

As The Eyes Open.

" Elevator To Heaven "

Music.. Music is the purest of all forms of art I'd say.
Music speaks to me, and I bet it does the same to everybody.
Music knows no limits, yet we do.
Music does the healing, yet none of us does.
No antidepressants have ever been as helping as music is. Matter of fact, antidepressants force things and hide other things.

Antidepressants make tears disappear when you're so in need of crying.
Antidepressants control your facial expressions, hide sadness and fear, show the fakest of them smiles.
Music does the healing right, even if temporarily.
Music knows what you're going through.
Music lets you control it. YES. When it comes to music, you're in control, whether it is for what you hear or what you create. YOU'RE IN CONTROL.

Control. I fear it, and when I'm afraid, music does the calming down.
Control is power, and power is control. But controlling one's own self means having power on one's self. Isn't that an impossible task? Doesn't it look aweful once we revert back to reality after loosing it?

I don't even know what reality is anymore.. I doubt the things I see with my own eyes.
I don't believe my own brain anymore. I'm only 20 and it's already a great dilemma.
Shit that scares me the most is that I don't know what I'm doing and what I'm not. I'm afraid that what I think I'm living right now is but an illusion. I'm afraid I'm doing stuff that I'm not conscious about.

Consciousness is a whole ocean. A sky. A dilemma in itself.
It scares the hell out of me, knowing that at some point, I might act up while I'm consciously off. And knowing in itself is a problem, because why would I say I know when I'm not sure about the wellness of the links between my body parts and my brain? I might sense stuff that aren't there and sense nothing when in reality, I'm being burnt. Isn't that scary?
That's the thing about knowing I guess.. It's always relative and uncertain. It's always wronged by our doubts and fear.

Consciousness and knowing share this very common bond which is the unrelativity! Consciousness isn't always garanteed. Same goes for knowing, and as we may be wrong about some information, we may also be wrong about what we think we're conscious of.
What we sense isn't always concrete, but I'm afraid it might be real yet hidden out of sight.

Link the dots my child, who knows, You might come out with new rules for the whole universe, but until that happens, you'll still be in denial of the aweful things you've done, and you'll look for excuses, as silly as they may be, to justify the things you weren't even "awake" while doing...

About the love you never receive.

(Tabloid Blues Band - Tears From My Eyes)

I don't know how can people survive the unvoluntary submergence in destructive feelings.. I just don't.

I keep on repeating some words that make so much sense: "You can get knocked down by your own feelings."

Matter of fact, you have every needed ingredien to poison yourself: A kind heart, an overthinking mind and a very unlikeable body (or even one part of it; probably face, fat tummy, etc...) but here's the best part about the whole thing: YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH IT!

You want to believe that you have the same chances of being loved and appreciated by people as everyone else, but who is it you think you're fooling? You know it ain't true. 

Here's the thing about insecure people: They're the ones who end up being unloved most of the time.
They become delusional in a certain way: Their minds make up stories as for why they're so "unlovable", you know.. Things like "You're ugly", "You're not smart enough", "You don't know how to talk to people"...

Imagination is a bitch, messing up with emotionnally damaged people.
You're being a prisonner of some feelings of hatred and bitterness toward your own self, and that's what being unlovable is all about.

I pity those who aim for the impossible, 'cus yeah, they're the ones who end up screwed and scarred!
I pity those who cannot find people with the same taste of music as them..
Those who are so lonely that they fall for those who show sympathy toward them..
Those who are victims of unrequited love..
Those who were cheated on..
Those who had fake friends all the time and only found out after they gave it all they had..
Those who stay awake at night, cornered and beaten up by their own emotions..

What is it we're looking for in life, in people, in shops, in bars, in books? Just what the hell are we looking for?
Why do we keep chasing the unreachable? Why do we link our happiness to the unobtainable?
Why do we enjoy torturing ourselves?

This is such a mess.. We want to let it all out but we cannot even put words in the right order.
We happen to run out of inspiration and creativity.. We run out of the one single reason why some people appreciate our existence and think that we're good enough to have a conversation with.
We run out of happiness, we find ourselves left with nothing but depressive thoughts.
That's the point! Happiness is feeling worthy of someone's time and energy! Happiness is people appreciating the things you do for them. It is us feeling like we belong for an instant. That one instant is all we want, but it fades away too fast.
You know what else fades away? Time! Smiles! Affection! Determination! Us.
We fade away, since we're limited after all! We're a mesurement of time that gets replaced by "freshly made lives".

What does time have to do with our insecurities? Does time erase the guilt we carry with us through the days? Probably not.
All I know is that one day, if clouds haven't gotten the better of our skies, we'd probably manage to Be Happy. Maybe it's the only way we can be loved for who we seem to be.
Maybe one day, as we watch the sky, a shooting star passes by, we'd make a wish about becoming accepted and loved, and we'd magically get convinced that we're worth it.
Maybe...