Tuesday, March 21, 2017

As The Eyes Open.

Music.. Music is the purest of all forms of art I'd say.
Music speaks to me, and I bet it does the same to everybody.
Music knows no limits, yet we do.
Music does the healing, yet none of us does.
No antidepressants have ever been as helping as music is. Matter of fact, antidepressants force things and hide other things.

Antidepressants make tears disappear when you're so in need of crying.
Antidepressants control your facial expressions, hide sadness and fear, show the fakest of them smiles.
Music does the healing right, even if temporarily.
Music knows what you're going through.
Music lets you control it. YES. When it comes to music, you're in control, whether it is for what you hear or what you create. YOU'RE IN CONTROL.

Control. I fear it, and when I'm afraid, music does the calming down.
Control is power, and power is control. But controlling one's own self means having power on one's self. Isn't that an impossible task? Doesn't it look aweful once we revert back to reality after loosing it?

I don't even know what reality is anymore.. I doubt the things I see with my own eyes.
I don't believe my own brain anymore. I'm only 20 and it's already a great dilemma.
Shit that scares me the most is that I don't know what I'm doing and what I'm not. I'm afraid that what I think I'm living right now is but an illusion. I'm afraid I'm doing stuff that I'm not conscious about.

Consciousness is a whole ocean. A sky. A dilemma in itself.
It scares the hell out of me, knowing that at some point, I might act up while I'm consciously off. And knowing in itself is a problem, because why would I say I know when I'm not sure about the wellness of the links between my body parts and my brain? I might sense stuff that aren't there and sense nothing when in reality, I'm being burnt. Isn't that scary?
That's the thing about knowing I guess.. It's always relative and uncertain. It's always wronged by our doubts and fear.

Consciousness and knowing share this very common bond which is the unrelativity! Consciousness isn't always garanteed. Same goes for knowing, and as we may be wrong about some information, we may also be wrong about what we think we're conscious of.
What we sense isn't always concrete, but I'm afraid it might be real yet hidden out of sight.

Link the dots my child, who knows, You might come out with new rules for the whole universe, but until that happens, you'll still be in denial of the aweful things you've done, and you'll look for excuses, as silly as they may be, to justify the things you weren't even "awake" while doing...

Saturday, February 25, 2017

About the love you never receive.

I don't know how can people survive the unvoluntary submergence in destructive feelings.. I just don't.
I keep on repeating some words that make so much sense: "You can get knocked down by your own feelings."
Matter of fact, you have every needed ingredien to poison yourself: A kind heart, an overthinking mind and a very unlikeable body (or even one part of it; probably face, fat tummy, etc...) but here's the best part about the whole thing: YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH IT!
You want to believe that you have the same chances of being loved and appreciated by people as everyone else, but who is it you think you're fooling? You know it ain't true. 

Here's the thing about insecure people: They're the ones who end up being unloved most of the time.
They become delusional in a certain way: Their minds make up stories as for why they're so "unlovable", you know.. Things like "You're ugly", "You're not smart enough", "You don't know how to talk to people"...

Imagination is a bitch, messing up with emotionnally damaged people.
You're being a prisonner of some feelings of hatred and bitterness toward your own self, and that's what being unlovable is all about.

I pity those who aim for the impossible, 'cus yeah, they're the ones who end up screwed and scarred!
I pity those who cannot find people with the same taste of music as them..
Those who are so lonely that they fall for those who show sympathy toward them..
Those who are victims of unrequited love..
Those who were cheated on..
Those who had fake friends all the time and only found out after they gave it all they had..
Those who stay awake at night, cornered and beaten up by their own emotions..

What is it we're looking for in life, in people, in shops, in bars, in books? Just what the hell are we looking for?
Why do we keep chasing the unreachable? Why do we link our happiness to the unobtainable?
Why do we enjoy torturing ourselves?

This is such a mess.. We want to let it all out but we cannot even put words in the right order.
We happen to run out of inspiration and creativity.. We run out of the one single reason why some people appreciate our existence and think that we're good enough to have a conversation with.
We run out of happiness, we find ourselves left with nothing but depressive thoughts.
That's the point! Happiness is feeling worthy of someone's time and energy! Happiness is people appreciating the things you do for them. It is us feeling like we belong for an instant. That one instant is all we want, but it fades away too fast.
You know what else fades away? Time! Smiles! Affection! Determination! Us.
We fade away, since we're limited after all! We're a mesurement of time that gets replaced by "freshly made lives".

What does time have to do with our insecurities? Does time erase the guilt we carry with us through the days? Probably not.
All I know is that one day, if clouds haven't gotten the better of our skies, we'd probably manage to Be Happy. Maybe it's the only way we can be loved for who we seem to be.
Maybe one day, as we watch the sky, a shooting star passes by, we'd make a wish about becoming accepted and loved, and we'd magically get convinced that we're worth it.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Links for the chain.

(Ending Credits)

Truth is always said to be concrete and obvious.. It is said to be the purest of all things, the closest to our hearts and the most manipulative weapon we can ever use.
I'll tell you the truth, I'll tell it whole, but please don't step on my remains.. I'm already in pain.

-What’s with the fake smile, aye! Is everything alright?
Please don’t give me that face.. I need to understand what’s going on inside your head.
Don’t you dare tell me you need some time alone because I’ve already given you 19 years of alone time to think ahead and try to figure things out by yourself!

-I’m alright. It’s just that I’m lacking sleep.

-Oh come on! Not that same lie again! You’ve been telling everybody the same lie for years now and I’m sick of that!  I’m not them, I’m not a stranger, I’m your..

-Of course you are a stranger! Of course you are! How can you not be a stranger when I’ve never trusted you? You’re not an exception, you’re the same as everybody else and I’ll never trust you! Please don’t look disappointed ‘cause I bet my life you’d be even more disgusted and turned down if I ever lied to your face and claimed that you are my only trusted friend and that I only feel secure when you’re around. I know that’s what you’ve always wanted to hear but I’m sorry, I cannot lie about such things. I cannot deny the fact that you’re doing your best, but I never asked for that.. I never asked for sympathy from anyone, I never wanted you to try and understand me.. Matter of fact, I fucking hate it when you or other ones ask me what’s wrong! I hate that, and I fucking hate people who insist on knowing! Fuck you. I don’t wanna trust you, no, not with my fragile remains, not with stories behind my scars… Fuck you. Don’t even try!

-Thank you for the kind words, but in case you have forgotten, I'd like to remind you of the fact that you cannot get past my existence. I’ve been here since day one and I ain’t planning on leaving even if you want me to. You can’t live without me. You can’t handle things alone, you’re so consumed by loneliness and you just cannot do shit about it.
I hope you gather up enough courage to let go of the past.. I hope you grow wise enough to forgive them.. I hope for the best to happen to you, and that's what I've been trying to achieve for the last 19 years: I've been trying to make you move on with your life and let go of the grudge you're holding, because I've seen it grow strong and consume your broken soul. You deserve to be saved so  please don't push me away, trust me, give me a chance, don't give up on yourself. You're surrounded by assholes and that's what makes the situation twice as fucked up. I know how sad you get at the sight of them leaving, I know how hurt can you get by words thrown randomly at you during some "fun time", I know how fragile you are, I know how to treat you, how to tend your wounds, how to introduce you to life outside of the dark cubic room.. Please let me help.

-BULLSHIT! I don't trust you. I will never give you the power to manipulate me. We're done, now it's time to bid you and the whole world farewell!

-WaIT!NO! Don't..

And she fell, from the 27th floor down to her bloody end, leaving the world to those who can either handle it or ignore its bullshit and survive.. She left no trace of depression or whatever it is that can push a person to commit suicide. Few hours later the police came by to examinate her place, and found a videotape of her last minutes of life. They played it, and agreed that the girl had some mental issues, as they saw her alone, talking to... Nobody.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016


Yearning for something new is always normal, always expected. Yearning for old stuff is what fucks my mind up. I'm in a state of dizziness and confusion.. I want some of my childhood back.. I want a part of the worst years of my life back, and I mean what I'm sayin' ..

Do you miss me, dear old cartoons, dear first toys, dear torn-up walls, dear imaginary boys?
Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you get the same feelings I used to get back then? Do you ever feel broken for not being able to turn back in time?
I fucking hate time! ... DO YOU?
Do you sing along with me when I play old music and cry as I be recalling words and how much they meant to me? Do you get the chills, watching old photos and smelling old books?

I'm torn apart, and you're nowhere to be found.. I'm all messed up, I know, but then there are those details that make me forgive my father.. There are some moments that make me get over the pain for some time .. There's this old photobook and those old songs stuck within the same memory that keeps on torturing me and making me the monster I am.. The monster they'll never see.
But where are you when I need you the most? Where the hell are you wanderin'? I'm right in front of you! Come on, little nice memories..
I know you'll never be real ever again, but... HELP..?

You're to get all the blame, yet you would've never been born this way if it wasn't for people's actions. I don't know why I'm blaming you for all this mess I'm living in, all in all you're just a mass of consequences .. Bad ones I can tell. You're the result of all the scars, the tears, the burns, the slaps, the kicks, the punshes.. You're the result of what they've done, yet you get all the blame. So unfair, isn't it?

Ain't I crazy, dear readers? I'm writing this whole thing to something that's been created thanks to my existence, something that only lives inside of me, and dies soon as I vanish away, leaving nothing but that photoalbum that contains all of my photos, taken as I cry ...
Yeah, that reminds me of how much I hated everything, even photos. I was shy, scared of everyone and everything, ashamed of being who I am even as a kid.
"But hey, I thought kids are supposed to be innocent and spontanious!"
Yes. Unfortunately, they are.

Fiction. I fucking loved fiction back then. I had a crush on a fictionnal character. I had dreams about myself getting all those fictionnal powers I used to imagine while reading books or watching TV.
I used to pray to God under my blanket, asking to own any type of superpower.
That shit lived up with me for years and years, until I suddenly lost faith in God, in all gods, and all sacred beliefs.
I kept on praying for an unexisting "God", to get something that was out of everyone's reach. I yearned for the unreachable and now all I've got left is a tons of memories that torture me, yet keep me alive. Depressive, ain't it?

Fiction. I still see fiction between the lines of my favorite books.. The lines of a fictionnal character's body.. The lines that I had to walk straight on but I refused and chose my own shady path.. Fiction.

I love fiction. I hate inventing fictionnal stuff. I feel like a God, failing his mission to make an imaginary creature come to life. I hate this. I hate me. And I hate childhood.

I don't drink or do drugs.. I'm just looking for a sort of relief.. I'm fading away.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Superpowers do not exist.

If you had the choice, what superpower would you have and why?

1- I'd most probably choose the ability to fly. To be honest, I'm suffocating down here and I'd like to see what it's like to see this planet from above.. Plus, I think it would be good to be able to escape anything, anytime, to be able to fly away from it all and just take some time out.. I mean, come on! Isn't it tiring, having to deal with people and their shits on a daily basis? Isn't it annoying, having to spend your whole life either WALKING away or SITTING down there waiting for a miracle? RUNNING won't get me as far as flying will, and instead of SITTING down and waiting for the perfect chance, I'd fly and go get it myself.

2- Definitely Invisibility. As for why, I think it's because it's better to turn into an invisible creature and just be of no harm to anybody than to suffer from insecurities and have to do a great effort to hide your pain and suffering just to look normal in front of those assholes who treat you like shit, not giving a damn about your psychological state, and then claim that they're your friends, they're not being rough with you, they're just kidding and you're a fucking retarded for asking them to be a bit nicer ! *Sighs* .. Sorry but how can you be willing to deal with such circumstances for the rest of your miserable life just to "look normal"? Is that even logical? I mean.. If they do not tolerate your insecurities and try to help you get over them, then how the fuck can they be called YOUR FRIENDS? I just don't get it..

3- It's hard to choose, but... hummm.. I've already made my mind as a kid, and the definition of ultimate power for me was Reading Minds, probably because it's always good, knowing what people think of you or what they're willing to do to you in the future.. It's a life saviour I'd say!
Some people pretend they love us, but they don't.. Some people make promises, but they never keep them.. Some others want to earn your trust and act like they're your closest people, just so they can hurt you in every possible way later.. Actually, I have stopped asking myself why do human beings do such stuff when I realised that there's nothing I can do to change such facts, but there are infinite possibilities for me to escape them as much as I can. To be totally honest, it's so hard to do so without knowing what those around you are thinking, although it is possible to understand people's ways of thinking in very short periods of time.. Still I really need that superpower in order to avoid damage and keep my distance with those who fake sympathy and love. I'm already afraid that everybody hates me so I try my best not to socialize, but everytime I do, due to various reasons, I end up being scarred and hurt to a point that a lot of things inside of me change instantly without me trying anything at all.

4- Body Flexibility is what I'd choose for sure, surely because I'll fall in love with my body if I ever get to experience such a thing! I'm sure I'd be less insecure about my body and all its ugly details if I get the chance to extend and twist my whole body freely and as much as I want.. Oh man, that's not pretty, but it's all I want I swear to God. You have no idea about the constant pain I'm living with, trying so hard to love myself and failing every attempt, oh and.. failing makes it even worse.. It makes everything worse than it already is.. It makes you want to stop existing because your existence itself feels like a huge failure, and everytime you think about it, the fucked up feeling intensifies.. You just cannot escape from that room full of feels and broken mirrors if you carry on, living this "appearently normal" life.

5- Most certainly the power to control water. I mean, is there any better superpower in the world? I doubt if there's any. To be fully honest, I am pyrophobic,since I've been seeing nightmares of me burning alive since I was a child, and the same nightmare can still get me and scare the shit out of me to this very day. I hate fire ! It is disgusting ! Fire is anger.. Fire is agressivity.. Fire is roughness.. Fire is unfaithfulness.. Fire is every fear I have in the world, burning in flames but getting bigger and scarier instead of vanishing away in ashes as the wind blows. I cannot tell what I've been through as a child, but I can assure you that I hated fire because of some people's ways of treating me. It's what made me the weird and insecure I am today, and at this very moment, talking about flames makes me wanna drown in water and experience death. Controling water will help me deal with fire, and whoever starts a fire and runs away.. It will give me enough strength to stand and fight those agressive people who keep on treating me like shit just because I don't react to their bitchy acts and try to convince myself that they're friends so they deserve other chances.. I fucking hate fire, and if I ever got the chance to control water, I'd let them all drown and send them straight to hell.

Here's the deal, dear readers: The ones who were asked and gave answers were imagining themselves doing what they wanted to do with their most wanted supernatural abilities, which is why an answer that could've taken two sentences took way more than that.. 

How happy can one be, simply imagining himself doing what he wants to do, having what he wants to have, being where he wants to be. We all have our fantasies, and we all wish for 'em to come true, even if we grow old enough to see death wandering near us..

PS: I have asked myself a question, I have given my answers, and what you were reading was what I've always wanted to say. . .

Thursday, October 13, 2016

You're too insecure.

                                                                   Radiohead - Nude

-It's been 2 hours and we're still on the road. How far is this place anyway?
-Are you bored?
-I'm just tired.
-But you're in a car, and you're not even driving. How come you're tired?
-I'm tired of this deafening silence! You've said no word since we hopped in, you haven't even stopped so we could have a drink or even look eachother in the eyes.. I didn't ask you where we'd go at first because I didn't give a damn about the distance, because I thought that as long as I'm around you, distance and time will never matter, that places we'd visit will always look beautiful and feel so unique even if it's a graveyard we're visiting, that people around us won't matter even if we're miles away from eachother, let alone if you're here by my side .. What happened? Why are you being someone else? Or is it me who has changed? Is it me who's pushing you away?
I want answers.
-I'm sorry.. I ..
-I said I want answers, not an apology.
-Do you trust me?
-More than you'll ever know.
-Then could you please try not to panic? You don't understand, it's definitely not what you think it is.
-Well, then explain! And do not ask me not to panic! You've known me for quite a long time now so you have no right to ask for such a thing.
-I'm so sorry, sweetness. I know how insecure you'd get over the tiniest details, but I swear to you, it is not what you think it is. I am not tired of you. No. Not even close to being tired. You are not pushing me away. No. Not even by a single inch. I still enjoy your company, I still want to go places with you, I still want us to take the time to look in eachothers' eyes in the middle of the street while people are rushing and breathing faster, I still want to stop by our favourite coffee shop to drink dark coffee and talk about whatever we want, I still want to go on rides with you not knowing the destination. You have no idea how important I think those details are to me.. But I think you do have an idea about how much YOU are important to me, so please rest your head and tell your imagination to stop taking you to areas you're not supposed to step into.
-Can I get an explaination now?
-I have so much to say. I want to say it all once we get to where I'm taking you, but while we're on the way, I want to keep reminding myself of every word I'm supposed to say because.. Trust me, every word I will say is of huge importance, which is why I kept silent all the way, trying to stay focused.
I kept focusing on all your details meanwhile. You know I always want to refresh my memory, I always want to remind myself of you: How many times a day you blink or even yawn, how bright you shine when you smile, and how many times a day I can make you smile. You're to be remembered, you're so precious. Those details I memorize help me see a perfect picture of you in my dreams or as I lay awake, thinking of new adventure we should go for.
-Isn't it strange? My insecurities are pushing it too far, and I think I've been hard on you for no reason at all. It's all over.
-You got over your insecurities? Now that's something to feel happy about!
-No, love. I'm over you.
-I'll give it a shot my dear. I'll try to change every changeable thing about me, I'll try to change my vision angle, I'll let some light in.. I'm willing to paint my room in different colors, wear girly clothes, smile at strangers and kick my insecurity's butt, go out more often with some other people, play music that everybody else listens to.. I'll also get rid of all my books, I'll buy some Paolo Coelho novels instead.
-Let go of all this crap please. We both know that I ain't got nowhere to go, the way I am now..
-So you've decided that..
-I still want to hear what you wanted to tell me.
-Alright then. Let's make it quick: I've been thinking for days now.. we both love eachother, but the world's cruelty is pushing it too far.. You're losing it, I'm tired, trying to protect you from everything and everyone, including your own self.. This is not the way things should go.. I love you, with all those insecurities, all the uncontrollable fear you've got, and all the "wrong" decisions you've made.. I love your sad smiles, your tired yet sparkling eyes, your very thin voice, the way you try to hide your lips as you talk, the way you look at those very few things that you love, the way you hide your face with your long hair when you're unsure about something, the way you blush when you tell me you love me, the fact that a very cute smile of hope and strength covers your lips whenever you talk about your future. I love it when you get lost, listening to music, when you sigh as you drink you coffee, when you laugh at the silliest acts or jokes even though I know that it's not a good sign.. I love those details that make you who you are, and I love the fact that I can put up with your every mood..
I can't stay still, seeing you suffocate despite the fact that I'm by your side..
We'll both die here and now.
- ..

Not to be continued.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Ayo, saviour.

                                                    James Morrison - I Won't Let You Go

I've always been a strong believer of the fact that everything happens for a reason, that we never meet people by chance, that our fate is already written down some unseen notes, that our next steps are already planned in a way that we don't know much about... Until very recently.

No, ladies and gentlemen. NOTHING exists or occurs according to an already schemed pack of future events! People are not meant to appear before you because of some heavenly written reasons! That's not the way life goes!
If that's the way things have been going for the last millions of years, then how come some people are living in wealth and luxury while some others can't find enough food for a night? How come some people are living in stability while others are being tortured by wars? How come some people are engineers, doctors, designers and artists, while some others are thieves scary criminals?
Don't you dare tell me this is fate and destiny. NONSENSE !
Our choices are what leads us to where we stand now, whether we're at safe spots or not. Yes, people, our choices are what makes us who we are.
Every step we take in life needs a decision, and every decision takes us to its special road, and unless we're dary enough to put everything on the line to get the best life we dream of living, we'll either end up being puppets like our ancestors, filled with anger and regret, or just become disgusting criminals.

Choosing art to be an essential ingredient in our lives is the most dary and risky choice one can ever make in a country like ours, but it's still the best choice to ever think of!
Have you ever seen a mentally twisted person within a family that does art? I don't think so!
Art is a pure saviour, let me tell you. Art can get away all the pain that's hidden within the depth of one's soul, it's a healer, a cure to all types of illness, even behavioural one.
Art is an escape, a shield, a weapon against bad choices, an eraser of past mistakes, a way to throw away negativity, without having it hit anybody who's standing near. I just love that great pain I feel while doing my art my own way. I fall in love with the way I kick out all the feelings I keep bottled inside everytime I dance, I fall in love with the depth of the words I write on those notes I end up burning and never show to anyone, I simply fall in love with that painful cure that brings a relief like no other afterwards.

They say art is for twisted minds and I agree. Art is for those who can't sleep at night, but get inspired to be the most creative versions of themselves instead, no matter what kind of creativity it can be. Art is for those who can't express themselves properly with spoken words, it is for those who never speak right, for those of us who hide a whole paragraph behind a simple word, which is why I've always assumed that not anybody is capable of understanding people's forms of artwork.
I admire those who can get the creative dragon that's inside of them out when they're lacking sleep or just not being in the mood to act like human beings. Those who sing sad lyrics with happy tones, those who tell you how beautiful you look while drawing your figure even though they're only focusing on the tiniest scratches on your skin, those who can look through you and understand what's never been said, those who can make an instrument tell their whole lives without having to pronounce a single word... I happen to admire those people, and I fall in love with their different sides and moods every single day of my life.

People.. The same thing about fate goes for people.. You don't just meet people because "it's your fate" and "you guys were meant to meet from the beginning". NO.
You happen to meet people BY CHANCE and it's all up to you whether or not they stay in! If you like somebody, you'll let them into your life and try to keep them, if you don't, you'll end things up and move on. Simple as that, ladies and gents! There's no destiny in this. It's always gonna be a matter of choice and paths you walk. Oh and, about choices, I have made mine, I let most people out of my life and some others in, I've ended relationships with some and began a brand new chapter with some, and it was all my decision, I took total responsibility of the few steps I've come to make very recently, and despite everything, I'm so thankful I'm feeling that my choices were right!
People will disappoint you most of the time, but that doesn't mean that all people will, which is why trusting guts when it comes to selecting companions is of a huge importance.

I hope you all get to experience that awesome feeling I felt the moment I met.. them.