Soldier Of Fortune (cover by Opeth)
Trust issues .. what a vast and delicate topic to write about, here in my dark room 30 minutes past midnight !
I'm not lost or anything, just so you all know. I'm just so tired that I don't even know how these words are being typed on my computer .. I want answers, but don't wanna get hurt, knowing that I already am wounded and scarred to a point where I could no longer see unscratched areas inside of me ...
Man o' man that was so dark ! hahaha.. What do you expect? Late night thoughts were made so that you get scared enough to sleep at 10 pm the next night, I believe. What am I sad about, you ask?
I'm sorry, you're so wrong, I'm not sad ! Actually, let me break it down for you:
It's not sadness that's holding me down and making me the huge mess I am today, it's way more complicated than that, my darling. I'm A HAPPY PERSON with the most fucked up state of mind you'll ever hear of ! I don't and I WON'T trust anybody ! Even if it seems to be the one and only choice that I've got left ... I create choices, I take nothing from nobody. No actually, why would I? Do I have to give trust and rest assured while somebody is more likely to fuck my life up than I can ever imagine? I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do, but I'm okay with it as long as it brings less damage, I suppose. I don't understand why I have to accept things as they are .. I also don't understand why people who don't wanna accept things as they are, try their hardest to change them .. Why change when you can just walk away and move forward in life with various other choices that sure are better than the ones that were to be imposed by others !
Are we gonna keep lying to eachother? I'm heartbroken, but not because of my ex-boyfriend whom I caught cheating... not because of those guys who gave false promises and never fulfilled any ... Not because I'm not pretty enough to date the guy that I may "like" ... No ! Those are just excuses I keep telling myself whenever I feel more unaccepted than usual !
I'm sorry, but, it's way more complicated than you ever thought, now let me break it down for you:
It bothers the fuck outta me that I can't "like" anybody, that I don't have the courage to erase the perfect pictures I draw for people by choosing not to talk to them at all, that whoever seems to start filling the emptiness in me, WILL eventually cause me horrible types of damage even if they don't want or mean to ... It fucks me up, knowing that feeling unwanted is taking over every other kind of feeling that I may ever get ! What the hell am I? I don't seem to understand ... I'm broken, I'm in pieces, I'm hurt, so hurt that I can no longer talk about anything that's bothering me to anyone ... I hope nobody gets affected by my bad vibes, and I'm so sorry, but if I feel like writing, I'll write, so to hell with whatever thought you get while wasting your energy, reading such rediculous words that won't do you any good.
I'm so hurt, I feel like screaming and crying and doing all that stuff that fragile people do, but I don't think I'm that fragile, so to hell with it, I'm just gonna remain silent and let what's written give a slight idea about what cannot be spoken.
I'm so hurt that I just wanna sleep for the rest of my life...
Hiding is indeed a very effective solution to this kind of weird problems that I've been facing for years now ! Hiding IS a good plan to think of, whenever things go rough and you feel like not being able to take the pressure any longer ! I guess that's why I keep hiding from those that I once had trusted and loved ! Although they don't seem to give a shit, I still wanna hide like .. I don't wanna run into a person that was once a "great escaping place" and then turned out to be a "very bad choice" !
Now it's like 01:26 and I still feel like carrying the heaviest mountain up on my chest .. what is it that's causing me to feel uncomfortable in my very own bed? I wanna get rid of what's harming me, but I feel like it will take away my remains and erase my existence ...
I'm so hurt, I feel like screaming and crying and doing all that stuff that fragile people do, but I don't think I'm that fragile, so to hell with it, I'm just gonna remain silent and let what's written give a slight idea about what cannot be spoken.
I'm so hurt that I just wanna sleep for the rest of my life...
Hiding is indeed a very effective solution to this kind of weird problems that I've been facing for years now ! Hiding IS a good plan to think of, whenever things go rough and you feel like not being able to take the pressure any longer ! I guess that's why I keep hiding from those that I once had trusted and loved ! Although they don't seem to give a shit, I still wanna hide like .. I don't wanna run into a person that was once a "great escaping place" and then turned out to be a "very bad choice" !
Now it's like 01:26 and I still feel like carrying the heaviest mountain up on my chest .. what is it that's causing me to feel uncomfortable in my very own bed? I wanna get rid of what's harming me, but I feel like it will take away my remains and erase my existence ...
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