Virgin Steele - Child Of Desolation
It’s extremely painful to write down something in an attempt to explain the reasons for your current spiritual and mental situation (not to mention the healthy and social one), and do you know why? Well I do! And the answer is : Because you can’t find the right words to express yourself, you can’t explain it as it should be explained or as you feel it should be explained, you just aren’t strong enough to dive deep inside your every thought and place it with your own hands on your own papers or computer … let’s just face it; if you’re living with depression, anxiety or whatever the fuck it is, you’re most likely to get your state of mind even more screwed than it ever was ! you fail every task, and it’s not because you’re being weak or not willing to give it a try, but because you seriously CANNOT ! you are already lost and tired, a heavy flow of thoughts fucks you up all the time and prevents you from sleeping at night, and even if you fall asleep, it haunts you down and shows you the scariest and most disgusting nightmares ever ! And God are they longer than eternity!
It’s extremely painful to write down something in an attempt to explain the reasons for your current spiritual and mental situation (not to mention the healthy and social one), and do you know why? Well I do! And the answer is : Because you can’t find the right words to express yourself, you can’t explain it as it should be explained or as you feel it should be explained, you just aren’t strong enough to dive deep inside your every thought and place it with your own hands on your own papers or computer … let’s just face it; if you’re living with depression, anxiety or whatever the fuck it is, you’re most likely to get your state of mind even more screwed than it ever was ! you fail every task, and it’s not because you’re being weak or not willing to give it a try, but because you seriously CANNOT ! you are already lost and tired, a heavy flow of thoughts fucks you up all the time and prevents you from sleeping at night, and even if you fall asleep, it haunts you down and shows you the scariest and most disgusting nightmares ever ! And God are they longer than eternity!
You're suffocating in here! It’s eating you from both the inside and the outside! You're all tired and messed up to a point where you no longer know what’s wrong and what’s
right, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s too early to be said and what’s too
late to be done..! I know for sure, you feel like you're a huge mess right now and you don’t think you can take the
pressure longer enough! Why is it that we have to be like that? Why is it we have to feel what we're feeling right now and behave the way we're behaving right
now? I don’t seem to understand, but that’s actually NOT the problem ! I know for a fact that every night feels lonelier than the night before, every thought
seems darker than the ones before, every fight seems harder than the ones
before AND IT’S ALL SO FUCKING TIRING !
Actually whenever I try to think about my life and everything that's related to my own self it goes something like this : What the
fuck?! Why? Seriously, why can’t I be some normal girl with a sane mind and a
healthy body? Do I have to freakin’ feel everything so deep? Do I have to
protest against every event that ever occurs in my miserable life? Why do I
feel so weak and powerless? It’s like I’m giving everybody a power over me!
It’s like I’m giving them the permission to step on my back and break it, and
then break all my bones and throw my remains to the devil to play with! This
does not feel right at all, but I’ve tried and tried, I’ve gone beyond my
already-set-up limits , I’ve risked everything in search of any kind of
solution for my very poor soul, I stood on the edge and screamed my heart out
without getting out a single sound! And then what?! Hein? Here I am, laying
down, in a very small and messy room, on an expensive yet uncomfortable bed,
facing the same struggles, drowning in a
dry tank, drinking my tears and eating my regret… regret for the things I could’ve
accomplished if I were normal and sane, but I didn’t because I absolutely
wasn’t and can never be one!
I’m as
lonely as can’t be, so tired and messed up, so
unfaithful and short-handed! It even gets worse as I can’t even talk about all
this to anyone since people have “matured” enough to judge whoever is facing such problems and accuse them of being crazy, drama queens, liars,
attention-seekers and plenty of other BRILLIANT stuff… Isn’t it just amazing?
I’m so grateful for having such a supportive surrounding! Hah! No it’s actually
even more fucked up and harder to fix, when you’re also ugly and so unwanted.
You feel like you AND everybody around you are against the idea of your existence
itself, and trust me, it’s by far the most painful feeling you can ever get ..
I hate myself already, but I hate it even more for not even being able to
connect with others, all due to some lame appearance issues.
Imagine having to
live with such sets of feelings, EVERY.SINGLE.DAY of your already-fucked-up life
.. I don’t think you’ll ever like “thinking about it” anyway.
Man it’s all nonsense,
it’s all crappy but I just cannot get past it no matter how much or how hard I
try, and what gets it even more fucked up, is that there will come a time where
I won’t be able to hide it anymore, and that’s what's scaring me the most. Oh and
by the way (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/dont-call-me-crazy/2016/07/does-depression-physically-hurt/)
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