Opeth - To Bid You Ferwell
.. So I've decided to come here and share a couple of fucked-up thoughts that come across my mind from time to time. Sorry for the language.
It's 7 minutes past midnight, Opeth are entertaining my ear and helping me get through this shitty night.
Oh August nights, you're supposed to be the shortest, yet you're only getting longer and scarier!
Wow, that was long for an intro..! Anyway, let's get to business.
You know (no actually, you don't.), I fear my own mind and my own thoughts, I fear the stuff I write about, and I fear my way of writing them. Call me a coward I don't give a damn! It's like 00:17 now and I'm starting to get those nighttime feelings, my confusions are taking over my mind as the world's noise fades away, my shady vision of this life and its events is getting more and more messed-up, the negativity and the dark thoughts that I'm living with become of a stronger impact as the night falls.
I really want to understand what's the thing about night, that makes everything look so different, that erases some people's memories, that makes a huge change in everyone's behaviour, that changes people's voices and that allows everything to happen (including dangerous confessions) .
I wonder what most people feel like the next morning. I wonder if they regret anything they've said or done at night, because to be honest, I don't understand what kind of mechanism in the human body makes those terrifying changes, and what makes it even worse is that I don't change in the same way as them at night ..
What's the matter with them? Or is it me who's a weird creature? I don't seem to get it ..
I hate it when older people ask me to forget about my questions, prevent me from asking, or accuse me of being out of my mind! What's wrong with seeking answers? What's wrong with thinking differently? I just do not understand..
I know I'm jumping from a topic to another, but please don't mind my very confused mind .. It's 01:01 right now, I'm dizzy, I want relief, I want peace, I want them out of my life ! Yes ! (that's another topic) Trust me, 99.99% of those whom I let into my life through the front door ended up messing with my feelings, ruining my life, my way of thinking, my perception angle for things and facts, and yeah .. EVERYTHING. I can no longer let anybody in! I'm already ruined, I'm a mess, a scary one ... Even though I hate the way I am, I can't change a thing about it. Let's face it, I lost the battle, and the only thing I'm almost free to do now is breathing. It's only through these aweful experiences that I came to realize that I really LOVED people and had faith in them until the very end, which is why it had hurt even more than it should've. That's a devastating fact indeed, I'd never wish for anyone to experience such horrifyingly painful periods (if that's even a right expression).
I didn't intend to write something so depressive and confusing, but what else can one do when confusion finds its way through to get them low, below the ground? That's the only thing that I cannot apologize for. Yup, I'd feel insecure about everything except writing, despite my scary writing style.
That was so unnecessary, right? Anyways, it's like 01:23 a.m and I'm out of feelings for now, so ...
To be continued .. maybe ..
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