أنت و خيبات أملي.

                                                A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless

"أين نحن يا عزيزي؟ أين أنت؟ كم بعيد أنت عنّي؟"

تلك كانت الأسئلة التي أطرحها على المجهول اللذي يقتحم كوابيسي كلّ ليلة ليطرد الرّعب عن مخيّلتي.. تلك المخيّلة التي برعت في تعذيبي مذ بدأت أعي بما حولي..
هو لم يكن فارسا يمتطي حصانا و يرتدي درعا.. هو لم يشهر سيفا في وجه الوحوش التي تطاردني كلّ ما غفوت.. لا.
مجرّد ضهوره أمامي كان يزيح كلّ ذلك الحمل الثقيل عنّي، و رغم أنّي لا أعرف عنه شيء، إلّا أنني تعوّدت على وجوده.

- أاُطلعك على سرّ؟ لقد تعبت من الوحدة! تعبَت مخيّلتي من إختلاق الأصدقاء.. لم أعد أستطيع مواجهة هذا الفراغ المظلم الذي إجتاح جسدي و روحي .. تلك الرّوح التائهة التافهة التي لم يعد يسعها أيّ مكان على وجه هذه الأرض.
تعبت من الوحدة و لا أريد أصدقاء. لا أريد أيّ نوع من العلاقات و لا أطلب من أحد إيجاد حلّ... تعبت من الوحدة و كفى.

- أتعرفين من أنا؟ أنا الوحدة التي سكنتك و اِعتكفت كنائس روحك المنهكة. أنا من كان يتسلّى بجعلك ترين أفضع الكوابيس لآتي كالفارس الشهم و أتظاهر بإنقاذك. أنا من كان يحثّك على المكوث لساعات بل لأيّام في غرفتك.
أنت لم تتعبي منّي قطّ، لقد اِستسلمت لي و تعوّدت على وجودي.
إعترفي بأنّك لا تستطيعين التّخلّي عنّي مهما حاولت، بأنّ مصيرك مرتبط بي و بأنّ تواجدك وسط مجموعة بشريّة ليس هدفك في الحياة. إعترفي بأنّ وجودي يلهم مخيّلتك للكتابة و الرّقص .. تحتاجيني في كلّ خطوات حيا..

- نعم أحتاجك! أرجوك لا تتركني.

- ظننتك قد تعبت منّي.. أغيّرت رأيك؟

- لا. أريدك أن تلازمني حتّى أدفنك مع كلّ خيبات أملي حين أرحل.

- إلى أين؟

- إلى جوار الرّب إذا ما وجدته.

فلنرقص.

                                                                 
                                                                    Yuma - نغير عليك

لقد أقسمت أن أختفي، و لكنّ تلك المرآة اللعينة لا تفشل أبدا في تذكيري بأنّ قَسَمي شبه كاذب.. "شبه كاذب" لأنني نجحت في إخفاء الجزء العاطفيّ فيّ. لقد دفنته. هو لم يمت بعد، و لكنّي متأكّدة أنّه سينام الدّهر و لن يبصر الضّوء مجدّدا. 

-أنت على خطأ، ما من أحد يستطيع العيش بدون مشاعر.

-و هل بدى لك أنني على قيد الحياة؟

- ألازال الدم يسري في عروقك؟

-سأقطّعني إربا حتّى نتأكّد. أين السّكّين يا ..

-كفى! ما الذي غيّرك؟ ما الذي أدّى بشخص مثلك إلى الجنون؟

-فلنرقص!

-أحبّك...

-قلت فلنرقص.

لم أدع أحدا يكلّمني تلك الليلة. عانقت الوسادة و إستلقيت أرضا، على أمل أن يمرّ الوقت بسرعة، أن أستيقظ من ذلك الكابوس الفضيع..

-كفاك كذبا. لقد كان حلما جميلا.
-لا بل كان مروّعا !
-كيف ذلك؟
-لم أستطع النظر إليه، لم أتمكّن من الغرق في ظلام عينيه.. لم أستطع الكلام .. كان يشكو لي همومه، يسرد لي ذاك الكلام الذي نسرده لأنفسنا و نقسم ألّا نبوح به لأحد مهما تعبنا و أنهِكَت قوانا، كان يمرّر أصابعه الرّقيقة بين خصل شعري المتموّج، كأنّه يطلب منّي بعض المواساة و كثيرا من الحبّ ..
لم أستطع تحريك ساكن، راودتني كلّ تلك الأفكارالتي ترعبني كلّ ليلة .. لم أستطع الهرب .. و حينها أدركت أنّ كياني مكسور، أنّ الكآبة قد اِمتصّتني بالكامل، أنّ قبح جسدي و ضعف شخصيّتي هما من تعاونا على دفن المشاعر الآدميّة التي وُلِدت فيّ ..
-إبكِ.
-كم أريد البكاء، و لكنّي لا أستطيع ..
-أحبّك..
-فلنرقص.

عزيزي القارئ، لك حرّيّة تخيّل الشخصيّات و أجناسهم، كما لك حرّيّة تخيّل بقيّة النص إن لم تكتفي بالتفاهة التي كتبتها، و لكنني لست مسؤولة عن ما فهمت و عن أين سافرت بك مخيّلتك..
و على ذكر المخيّلة، للحديث بقيّة..

Points n' commas.

                                                          Opeth - To Bid You Ferwell

.. So I've decided to come here and share a couple of fucked-up thoughts that come across my mind from time to time. Sorry for the language.
It's 7 minutes past midnight, Opeth are entertaining my ear and helping me get through this shitty night.
Oh August nights, you're supposed to be the shortest, yet you're only getting longer and scarier!

Wow, that was long for an intro..! Anyway, let's get to business.

You know (no actually, you don't.), I fear my own mind and my own thoughts, I fear the stuff I write about, and I fear my way of writing them. Call me a coward I don't give a damn! It's like 00:17 now and I'm starting to get those nighttime feelings, my confusions are taking over my mind as the world's noise fades away, my shady vision of this life and its events is getting more and more messed-up, the negativity and the dark thoughts that I'm living with become of a stronger impact as the night falls.
I really want to understand what's the thing about night, that makes everything look so different, that erases some people's memories, that makes a huge change in everyone's behaviour, that changes people's voices and that allows everything to happen (including dangerous confessions) .
I wonder what most people feel like the next morning. I wonder if they regret anything they've said or done at night, because to be honest, I don't understand what kind of mechanism in the human body makes those terrifying changes, and what makes it even worse is that I don't change in the same way as them at night ..
What's the matter with them? Or is it me who's a weird creature? I don't seem to get it ..
I hate it when older people ask me to forget about my questions, prevent me from asking, or accuse me of being out of my mind! What's wrong with seeking answers? What's wrong with thinking differently? I just do not understand..

I know I'm jumping from a topic to another, but please don't mind my very confused mind .. It's 01:01 right now, I'm dizzy, I want relief, I want peace, I want them out of my life ! Yes ! (that's another topic) Trust me, 99.99% of those whom I let into my life through the front door ended up messing with my feelings, ruining my life, my way of thinking, my perception angle for things and facts, and yeah .. EVERYTHING. I can no longer let anybody in! I'm already ruined, I'm a mess, a scary one ... Even though I hate the way I am, I can't change a thing about it. Let's face it, I lost the battle, and the only thing I'm almost free to do now is breathing. It's only through these aweful experiences that I came to realize that I really LOVED people and had faith in them until the very end, which is why it had hurt even more than it should've. That's a devastating fact indeed, I'd never wish for anyone to experience such horrifyingly painful periods (if that's even a right expression).

I didn't intend to write something so depressive and confusing, but what else can one do when confusion finds its way through to get them low, below the ground? That's the only thing that I cannot apologize for. Yup, I'd feel insecure about everything except writing, despite my scary writing style.

That was so unnecessary, right? Anyways, it's like 01:23 a.m and I'm out of feelings for now, so ...


To be continued .. maybe ..

Do you trust them?

                                                          Opeth - For Absent Friends

.. Night has fallen again, today is almost over "for them", daylight is escaping to another part of the globe, waking some other "them" up, filling them up, either with positive energy or with some quickly-fading types of emotions..
I don't like that. I honestly don't. I don't wake up to whatever they wake up to, and I'm not saying that I'm waking up to worse living conditions because .. NOPE. Sorry boo.. That's not it! But still I don't like it. What a messed up world we fucking live in! Do you ever wish you were never born to see such malicious deeds, such crimes, such violence, such thirst for money and blood ...? Do you? Probably not. You think your life is precious, don't you? If so, then why don't you open up your pretty eyes take a close look at the misery that our world is suffering? It's about time we start thinking, my dear.

Let me tell you something that might push you to think that I'm insane: I don't watch TV at all. Not a single type of shows, not a single glance at the news, no. Oh and, I'm not up-to-date with what goes on in this world anymore! I'm done with all that nonsense and I want it to stop, but can't do a thing to help... That's what's bringing me down, I suppose.
While analyzing any situation and any violent event that ever occurs, I come out with really scary conclusions, and you know what's the scariest part about all that? It's that those conclusions are the closest to reality and the farthest from what the media is making the people believe! Don't you think it's scary how truth is being replaced wih lies, and that those lies are only being held on to just because they suit a minority's will? If you don't, then I suggest you start using that mind of yours, and maybe things will get a bit clearer as you do some thinking.

The world is scary. I am scared. HELP!

While you're tweeting silly stuff, while you're drinking your milkshake and wandering around doing nothing good for yourself or for the world, while you're watching make-up tutorials trying to "look good enough" instead of reading a book that would make you "cultivated enough", a whole lot of disgusting deals are being made under a lot of tables, an awful lot of lives are being sold for the sake of obtaining power, and what kind of power! That mad power that's only used for destruction, where the ones in charge are starting unecessary wars, just to prove themselves stronger.. doesn't it scare you? doesn't make you feel at least uncomfortable?

Look back, remember how we once were, remember what they'd taught us at schools, and you'll see how much of a hypocritic world we live in! They teach you that all types of lives matter, and all they do is kill.
They teach you that all types of difference are to be accepted, yet they eliminate anybody who's different from them.
They teach you to respect everybody, but they ain't got respect for anybody.
They teach you to take care of this precious planet, yet they're the ones who are destroying it.
They teach you to love everybody and be tolerent, yet all they do is spread hate through their disgusting speeches.
They teach you that education and culture are the most important at life, yet all those who are taking control of everything are the small-minded, the evil-minded, the STUPID.

Do you still trust them?..

If you think you're depressed ...

                                                      Virgin Steele - Child Of Desolation

It’s extremely painful to write down something in an attempt to explain the reasons for your current spiritual and mental situation (not to mention the healthy and social one), and do you know why? Well I do! And the answer is : Because you can’t find the right words to express yourself, you can’t explain it as it should be explained or as you feel it should be explained, you just aren’t strong enough to dive deep inside your every thought and place it with your own hands on your own papers or computer … let’s just face it; if you’re living with depression, anxiety or whatever the fuck it is, you’re most likely to get your state of mind even more screwed than it ever was ! you fail every task, and it’s not because you’re being weak or not willing to give it a try, but because you seriously CANNOT ! you are already lost and tired, a heavy flow of thoughts fucks you up all the time and prevents you from sleeping at night, and even if you fall asleep, it haunts you down and shows you the scariest and most disgusting nightmares ever ! And God are they longer than eternity!

You're suffocating in here! It’s eating you from both the inside and the outside! You're all tired and messed up to a point where you no longer know what’s wrong and what’s right, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s too early to be said and what’s too late to be done..! I know for sure, you feel like you're a huge mess right now and you don’t think you can take the pressure longer enough! Why is it that we have to be like that? Why is it we have to feel what we're feeling right now and behave the way we're behaving right now? I don’t seem to understand, but that’s actually NOT the problem ! I know for a fact that every night feels  lonelier than the night before, every thought seems darker than the ones before, every fight seems harder than the ones before AND IT’S ALL SO FUCKING TIRING !

Actually whenever I try to think about my life and everything that's related to my own self it goes something like this : What the fuck?! Why? Seriously, why can’t I be some normal girl with a sane mind and a healthy body? Do I have to freakin’ feel everything so deep? Do I have to protest against every event that ever occurs in my miserable life? Why do I feel so weak and powerless? It’s like I’m giving everybody a power over me! It’s like I’m giving them the permission to step on my back and break it, and then break all my bones and throw my remains to the devil to play with! This does not feel right at all, but I’ve tried and tried, I’ve gone beyond my already-set-up limits , I’ve risked everything in search of any kind of solution for my very poor soul, I stood on the edge and screamed my heart out without getting out a single sound! And then what?! Hein? Here I am, laying down, in a very small and messy room, on an expensive yet uncomfortable bed, facing the  same struggles, drowning in a dry tank, drinking my tears and eating my regret… regret for the things I could’ve accomplished if I were normal and sane, but I didn’t because I absolutely wasn’t and can never be one!

I’m as lonely as can’t be, so tired and messed up, so unfaithful and short-handed! It even gets worse as I can’t even talk about all this to anyone since people have “matured” enough to judge whoever is facing such problems and accuse them of being crazy, drama queens, liars, attention-seekers and plenty of other BRILLIANT stuff… Isn’t it just amazing? I’m so grateful for having such a supportive surrounding! Hah! No it’s actually even more fucked up and harder to fix, when you’re also ugly and so unwanted. You feel like you AND everybody around you are against the idea of your existence itself, and trust me, it’s by far the most painful feeling you can ever get .. I hate myself already, but I hate it even more for not even being able to connect with others, all due to some lame appearance issues. 

Imagine having to live with such sets of feelings, EVERY.SINGLE.DAY of your already-fucked-up life .. I don’t think you’ll ever like “thinking about it” anyway. 

Man it’s all nonsense, it’s all crappy but I just cannot get past it no matter how much or how hard I try, and what gets it even more fucked up, is that there will come a time where I won’t be able to hide it anymore, and that’s what's scaring me the most. Oh and by the way (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/dont-call-me-crazy/2016/07/does-depression-physically-hurt/)

Remains and brokenness ..

                                                   Soldier Of Fortune (cover by Opeth)

Trust issues .. what a vast and delicate topic to write about, here in my dark room 30 minutes past midnight !

I'm not lost or anything, just so you all know. I'm just so tired that I don't even know how these words are being typed on my computer .. I want answers, but don't wanna get hurt, knowing that I already am wounded and scarred to a point where I could no longer see unscratched areas inside of me ...

Man o' man that was so dark ! hahaha.. What do you expect? Late night thoughts were made so that you get scared enough to sleep at 10 pm the next night, I believe. What am I sad about, you ask?

I'm sorry, you're so wrong, I'm not sad ! Actually, let me break it down for you:

It's not sadness that's holding me down and making me the huge mess I am today, it's way more complicated than that, my darling. I'm A HAPPY PERSON with the most fucked up state of mind you'll ever hear of ! I don't and I WON'T trust anybody ! Even if it seems to be the one and only choice that I've got left ... I create choices, I take nothing from nobody. No actually, why would I? Do I have to give trust and rest assured while somebody is more likely to fuck my life up than I can ever imagine? I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do, but I'm okay with it as long as it brings less damage, I suppose. I don't understand why I have to accept things as they are .. I also don't understand why people who don't wanna accept things as they are, try their hardest to change them .. Why change when you can just walk away and move forward in life with various other choices that sure are better than the ones that were to be imposed by others ! 

Are we gonna keep lying to eachother? I'm heartbroken, but not because of my ex-boyfriend whom I caught cheating... not because of those guys who gave false promises and never fulfilled any ... Not because I'm not pretty enough to date the guy that I may "like" ... No ! Those are just excuses I keep telling myself whenever I feel more unaccepted than usual !

I'm sorry, but, it's way more complicated than you ever thought, now let me break it down for you:

It bothers the fuck outta me that I can't "like" anybody, that I don't have the courage to erase the perfect pictures I draw for people by choosing not to talk to them at all, that whoever seems to start filling the emptiness in me, WILL eventually cause me horrible types of damage even if they don't want or mean to ... It fucks me up, knowing that feeling unwanted is taking over every other kind of feeling that I may ever get ! What the hell am I? I don't seem to understand ... I'm broken, I'm in pieces, I'm hurt, so hurt that I can no longer talk about anything that's bothering me to anyone ... I hope nobody gets affected by my bad vibes, and I'm so sorry, but if I feel like writing, I'll write, so to hell with whatever thought you get while wasting your energy, reading such rediculous words that won't do you any good.

I'm so hurt, I feel like screaming and crying and doing all that stuff that fragile people do, but I don't think I'm that fragile, so to hell with it, I'm just gonna remain silent and let what's written give a slight idea about what cannot be spoken.
I'm so hurt that I just wanna sleep for the rest of my life...
Hiding is indeed a very effective solution to this kind of weird problems that I've been facing for years now ! Hiding IS a good plan to think of, whenever things go rough and you feel like not being able to take the pressure any longer ! I guess that's why I keep hiding from those that I once had trusted and loved ! Although they don't seem to give a shit, I still wanna hide like .. I don't wanna run into a person that was once a "great escaping place" and then turned out to be a "very bad choice" !

Now it's like 01:26 and I still feel like carrying the heaviest mountain up on my chest .. what is it that's causing me to feel uncomfortable in my very own bed? I wanna get rid of what's harming me, but I feel like it will take away my remains and erase my existence ...

الآن سأعيش !

                                              Haggard - Awaking The Centuries

من الظلام و الى الظلام أعود و أنا الظلام و أصله.

لا أريد من الظلام ألما أو أي نوع من الأفكار التعيسة التي سكنتني لسنوات.. أقسم أنّي لا أريد سوى الصلح ! آمنت أخيرا بأنّ من حقّي إيجاد السلام لروحي التائهة بعد أن قسوت عليها و كدت أمحيها تماما من الوجود. أدركت أخيرا أنني لم أعطي يوما أيّ فرصة للطفلة المحبوسة داخلي لتطلق العنان لطاقتها النقيّة و الجبّارة. ألم يحن الوقت لإذابة الجليد الذي يغطّي قلبي منذ الأزل؟ ألم يأن الأوان لأنزع عنّي رداء الكآبة و التعاسة؟ أليس من حقي أن أبتسم في غياب الكاميرات و الغرباء الذين لا ابتسم لهم إلّا بدافع الأدب و الاحترام؟ أعتقد أن الوحيدة القادرة على الإجابة عن تساؤلاتي هي هذه الفتاة التي تعكس مرآتي صورتها كل ما نظرت فيها ..

أنا و نفسي سنعقد اتفاقا يقضي بنسيان ما خلّف فينا جروحا عميقة و أقسم أن لا شيء سيمنعني من الوفاء بما وعدتُني به.

أضعت تسع عشرة سنة من وقتي "الثمين" عذّبت فيها ذاتي بشتّى الطّرق، إلى حدّ أنّي لم أدرك أنّ ما فعلته لم و لن يخلّصني من هذا السجن العفن.. الآن سأعيش ! الآن سأغمض عيني و أقفز من سقف كآبتي إلى أرض الأمل و تجدُّدِ الفرص، سأعيد بناء هذه الحياة و هذه الفتاة التي لم يعد لكرهها أيّ معنى.. سأحبّ الجميع و "لن أغفر لأحد بعد اليوم" ! أسمعتني أيّها الخوف؟ نعم لن أغفر و لن أدع أحدا يخدش درعي الذي كدت أقضي على نفسي لصنعه.

لا أعرف كم من قارئ صدّق هذا الهراء و لا أريد أن أعرف و لكن كلّ ما كتبته الآن كذب و سخرية ! آسفة و لكن ... كيف لك أن تصدق هذه التّرّهات المليئة بالتناقضات و المغالطات؟ لا يمكن لأمثالي أن يتركوا ذلك السجن العفن أو أن يمتلؤوا بالآمال و الأحلام الورديّة بين عشيّة و ضحاها.. و على ذكر السّجن العفن، للحديث بقيّة ...

- أمل باشا