You're too insecure.

                                                                   Radiohead - Nude

-It's been 2 hours and we're still on the road. How far is this place anyway?
-Are you bored?
-I'm just tired.
-But you're in a car, and you're not even driving. How come you're tired?
-I'm tired of this deafening silence! You've said no word since we hopped in, you haven't even stopped so we could have a drink or even look eachother in the eyes.. I didn't ask you where we'd go at first because I didn't give a damn about the distance, because I thought that as long as I'm around you, distance and time will never matter, that places we'd visit will always look beautiful and feel so unique even if it's a graveyard we're visiting, that people around us won't matter even if we're miles away from eachother, let alone if you're here by my side .. What happened? Why are you being someone else? Or is it me who has changed? Is it me who's pushing you away?
I want answers.
-I'm sorry.. I ..
-I said I want answers, not an apology.
-Do you trust me?
-More than you'll ever know.
-Then could you please try not to panic? You don't understand, it's definitely not what you think it is.
-Well, then explain! And do not ask me not to panic! You've known me for quite a long time now so you have no right to ask for such a thing.
-I'm so sorry, sweetness. I know how insecure you'd get over the tiniest details, but I swear to you, it is not what you think it is. I am not tired of you. No. Not even close to being tired. You are not pushing me away. No. Not even by a single inch. I still enjoy your company, I still want to go places with you, I still want us to take the time to look in eachothers' eyes in the middle of the street while people are rushing and breathing faster, I still want to stop by our favourite coffee shop to drink dark coffee and talk about whatever we want, I still want to go on rides with you not knowing the destination. You have no idea how important I think those details are to me.. But I think you do have an idea about how much YOU are important to me, so please rest your head and tell your imagination to stop taking you to areas you're not supposed to step into.
-Can I get an explaination now?
-I have so much to say. I want to say it all once we get to where I'm taking you, but while we're on the way, I want to keep reminding myself of every word I'm supposed to say because.. Trust me, every word I will say is of huge importance, which is why I kept silent all the way, trying to stay focused.
I kept focusing on all your details meanwhile. You know I always want to refresh my memory, I always want to remind myself of you: How many times a day you blink or even yawn, how bright you shine when you smile, and how many times a day I can make you smile. You're to be remembered, you're so precious. Those details I memorize help me see a perfect picture of you in my dreams or as I lay awake, thinking of new adventure we should go for.
-Isn't it strange? My insecurities are pushing it too far, and I think I've been hard on you for no reason at all. It's all over.
-You got over your insecurities? Now that's something to feel happy about!
-No, love. I'm over you.
-BUT WAIT.. WHAT HAPPENED?
-I'll give it a shot my dear. I'll try to change every changeable thing about me, I'll try to change my vision angle, I'll let some light in.. I'm willing to paint my room in different colors, wear girly clothes, smile at strangers and kick my insecurity's butt, go out more often with some other people, play music that everybody else listens to.. I'll also get rid of all my books, I'll buy some Paolo Coelho novels instead.
-BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU LOVE ! THAT'S NOTHING LIKE YOU!
-Let go of all this crap please. We both know that I ain't got nowhere to go, the way I am now..
-So you've decided that..
-I still want to hear what you wanted to tell me.
-Alright then. Let's make it quick: I've been thinking for days now.. we both love eachother, but the world's cruelty is pushing it too far.. You're losing it, I'm tired, trying to protect you from everything and everyone, including your own self.. This is not the way things should go.. I love you, with all those insecurities, all the uncontrollable fear you've got, and all the "wrong" decisions you've made.. I love your sad smiles, your tired yet sparkling eyes, your very thin voice, the way you try to hide your lips as you talk, the way you look at those very few things that you love, the way you hide your face with your long hair when you're unsure about something, the way you blush when you tell me you love me, the fact that a very cute smile of hope and strength covers your lips whenever you talk about your future. I love it when you get lost, listening to music, when you sigh as you drink you coffee, when you laugh at the silliest acts or jokes even though I know that it's not a good sign.. I love those details that make you who you are, and I love the fact that I can put up with your every mood..
I can't stay still, seeing you suffocate despite the fact that I'm by your side..
We'll both die here and now.
- ..

*drifts*
*crashes*
Not to be continued.

Ayo, saviour.

                                                    James Morrison - I Won't Let You Go

I've always been a strong believer of the fact that everything happens for a reason, that we never meet people by chance, that our fate is already written down some unseen notes, that our next steps are already planned in a way that we don't know much about... Until very recently.

No, ladies and gentlemen. NOTHING exists or occurs according to an already schemed pack of future events! People are not meant to appear before you because of some heavenly written reasons! That's not the way life goes!
If that's the way things have been going for the last millions of years, then how come some people are living in wealth and luxury while some others can't find enough food for a night? How come some people are living in stability while others are being tortured by wars? How come some people are engineers, doctors, designers and artists, while some others are thieves scary criminals?
Don't you dare tell me this is fate and destiny. NONSENSE !
Our choices are what leads us to where we stand now, whether we're at safe spots or not. Yes, people, our choices are what makes us who we are.
Every step we take in life needs a decision, and every decision takes us to its special road, and unless we're dary enough to put everything on the line to get the best life we dream of living, we'll either end up being puppets like our ancestors, filled with anger and regret, or just become disgusting criminals.

Choosing art to be an essential ingredient in our lives is the most dary and risky choice one can ever make in a country like ours, but it's still the best choice to ever think of!
Have you ever seen a mentally twisted person within a family that does art? I don't think so!
Art is a pure saviour, let me tell you. Art can get away all the pain that's hidden within the depth of one's soul, it's a healer, a cure to all types of illness, even behavioural one.
Art is an escape, a shield, a weapon against bad choices, an eraser of past mistakes, a way to throw away negativity, without having it hit anybody who's standing near. I just love that great pain I feel while doing my art my own way. I fall in love with the way I kick out all the feelings I keep bottled inside everytime I dance, I fall in love with the depth of the words I write on those notes I end up burning and never show to anyone, I simply fall in love with that painful cure that brings a relief like no other afterwards.

They say art is for twisted minds and I agree. Art is for those who can't sleep at night, but get inspired to be the most creative versions of themselves instead, no matter what kind of creativity it can be. Art is for those who can't express themselves properly with spoken words, it is for those who never speak right, for those of us who hide a whole paragraph behind a simple word, which is why I've always assumed that not anybody is capable of understanding people's forms of artwork.
I admire those who can get the creative dragon that's inside of them out when they're lacking sleep or just not being in the mood to act like human beings. Those who sing sad lyrics with happy tones, those who tell you how beautiful you look while drawing your figure even though they're only focusing on the tiniest scratches on your skin, those who can look through you and understand what's never been said, those who can make an instrument tell their whole lives without having to pronounce a single word... I happen to admire those people, and I fall in love with their different sides and moods every single day of my life.

People.. The same thing about fate goes for people.. You don't just meet people because "it's your fate" and "you guys were meant to meet from the beginning". NO.
You happen to meet people BY CHANCE and it's all up to you whether or not they stay in! If you like somebody, you'll let them into your life and try to keep them, if you don't, you'll end things up and move on. Simple as that, ladies and gents! There's no destiny in this. It's always gonna be a matter of choice and paths you walk. Oh and, about choices, I have made mine, I let most people out of my life and some others in, I've ended relationships with some and began a brand new chapter with some, and it was all my decision, I took total responsibility of the few steps I've come to make very recently, and despite everything, I'm so thankful I'm feeling that my choices were right!
People will disappoint you most of the time, but that doesn't mean that all people will, which is why trusting guts when it comes to selecting companions is of a huge importance.

I hope you all get to experience that awesome feeling I felt the moment I met.. them.

Anxious or nah?

                                                                    Elliot Moss - Slip

It's been days since I last slept. I hate that kind of pain you experience when you're exhausted and all you could ever ask for is some hours of sleep, but you just can't get any.. The struggle to remain calm despite all the unbearable exterior stress-causing facts.. The desperation to run from it all and leave to NOWHERE.

I'm not going to apologize for the f'd up intro. I don't even know how the hell am I able to write in these shitty conditions!

Man o' man, what have all those insecurities done to me.. Poor little me.
I still want to talk about all those assholes who make fun of other people's insecurities, but what good is that gonna do? Even those who surround me and say they love me are doing the same: They make fun of your weaknesses, your insecurities and your fears! They talk rude to you whenever you're anxious, not giving a shit about the fact that YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT! They say you are just being silly, they call you names and humiliate you then pretend to care for you and love you.
They make fun of who you are and seem to hate all about you, saying you're a ball of insecurities and anxiety.. And then they want you there by their sides, backing them up whenever they face the tiniest problems.. The strange thing is; You always do as they want!
You know, one time a "friend" of mine got into a tiny argument with her mother over something you'll definately think was silly, she cried and screamed, she panicked and got so frustrated that no one could even talk to her .. Guess who understood her frustration and got her out of it?

Man o' man I bet it makes you feel horrible whenever you think about how bothersome they make you feel like you've become whenever anxiety knocks on your door in public. You also hate the fact that nobody could ever understand why you tend to isolate yourself at home and not get out with anybody.. You hate that it made them leave.
And now you just hate everything about mental and psychological disorders!

Here's what I've always wanted to say to those who hurt other people:
You'll never know how an anxious person struggles to go to the closest shop to their home to buy some necessary stuff! You'll never know the amount of frustration they try to deal with, as people lay eyes on them while they're crossing the street! You'll never see pain in their broken smiles; but they do understand, and they don't ask for any favor, so why don't you be a decent human bein' and show respect? They struggle on a daily basis and do their best to deal with it, no matter the difficulties, they're true worriors and you are not!

Please be nice, to everybody .. I'm not telling you to smile for anybody you come across or to take everybody out for a ride, I'm only asking you to respect people, because you never know what people went or still go through, you never know when they'll reach their breaking point so don't be the reason they do .. They won't tell you they live with any kind of disorder (unless it's an eating disorder, then they'll have to tell you if you're gonna cook for them or take them out for dinner), they won't explain their pain to you, not only because they don't want to sound like they want your pity, but also because they cannot explain what happens to them since they don't really uderstand it, they know nothing about its origins and even if they knew, they'd hide it from you to avoid any unpleasant act that might come outta you ..

You see how much a simple word can affect a person?

Please be careful and watch your behaviour.

أنت و خيبات أملي.

                                                A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless

"أين نحن يا عزيزي؟ أين أنت؟ كم بعيد أنت عنّي؟"

تلك كانت الأسئلة التي أطرحها على المجهول اللذي يقتحم كوابيسي كلّ ليلة ليطرد الرّعب عن مخيّلتي.. تلك المخيّلة التي برعت في تعذيبي مذ بدأت أعي بما حولي..
هو لم يكن فارسا يمتطي حصانا و يرتدي درعا.. هو لم يشهر سيفا في وجه الوحوش التي تطاردني كلّ ما غفوت.. لا.
مجرّد ضهوره أمامي كان يزيح كلّ ذلك الحمل الثقيل عنّي، و رغم أنّي لا أعرف عنه شيء، إلّا أنني تعوّدت على وجوده.

- أاُطلعك على سرّ؟ لقد تعبت من الوحدة! تعبَت مخيّلتي من إختلاق الأصدقاء.. لم أعد أستطيع مواجهة هذا الفراغ المظلم الذي إجتاح جسدي و روحي .. تلك الرّوح التائهة التافهة التي لم يعد يسعها أيّ مكان على وجه هذه الأرض.
تعبت من الوحدة و لا أريد أصدقاء. لا أريد أيّ نوع من العلاقات و لا أطلب من أحد إيجاد حلّ... تعبت من الوحدة و كفى.

- أتعرفين من أنا؟ أنا الوحدة التي سكنتك و اِعتكفت كنائس روحك المنهكة. أنا من كان يتسلّى بجعلك ترين أفضع الكوابيس لآتي كالفارس الشهم و أتظاهر بإنقاذك. أنا من كان يحثّك على المكوث لساعات بل لأيّام في غرفتك.
أنت لم تتعبي منّي قطّ، لقد اِستسلمت لي و تعوّدت على وجودي.
إعترفي بأنّك لا تستطيعين التّخلّي عنّي مهما حاولت، بأنّ مصيرك مرتبط بي و بأنّ تواجدك وسط مجموعة بشريّة ليس هدفك في الحياة. إعترفي بأنّ وجودي يلهم مخيّلتك للكتابة و الرّقص .. تحتاجيني في كلّ خطوات حيا..

- نعم أحتاجك! أرجوك لا تتركني.

- ظننتك قد تعبت منّي.. أغيّرت رأيك؟

- لا. أريدك أن تلازمني حتّى أدفنك مع كلّ خيبات أملي حين أرحل.

- إلى أين؟

- إلى جوار الرّب إذا ما وجدته.

فلنرقص.

                                                                 
                                                                    Yuma - نغير عليك

لقد أقسمت أن أختفي، و لكنّ تلك المرآة اللعينة لا تفشل أبدا في تذكيري بأنّ قَسَمي شبه كاذب.. "شبه كاذب" لأنني نجحت في إخفاء الجزء العاطفيّ فيّ. لقد دفنته. هو لم يمت بعد، و لكنّي متأكّدة أنّه سينام الدّهر و لن يبصر الضّوء مجدّدا. 

-أنت على خطأ، ما من أحد يستطيع العيش بدون مشاعر.

-و هل بدى لك أنني على قيد الحياة؟

- ألازال الدم يسري في عروقك؟

-سأقطّعني إربا حتّى نتأكّد. أين السّكّين يا ..

-كفى! ما الذي غيّرك؟ ما الذي أدّى بشخص مثلك إلى الجنون؟

-فلنرقص!

-أحبّك...

-قلت فلنرقص.

لم أدع أحدا يكلّمني تلك الليلة. عانقت الوسادة و إستلقيت أرضا، على أمل أن يمرّ الوقت بسرعة، أن أستيقظ من ذلك الكابوس الفضيع..

-كفاك كذبا. لقد كان حلما جميلا.
-لا بل كان مروّعا !
-كيف ذلك؟
-لم أستطع النظر إليه، لم أتمكّن من الغرق في ظلام عينيه.. لم أستطع الكلام .. كان يشكو لي همومه، يسرد لي ذاك الكلام الذي نسرده لأنفسنا و نقسم ألّا نبوح به لأحد مهما تعبنا و أنهِكَت قوانا، كان يمرّر أصابعه الرّقيقة بين خصل شعري المتموّج، كأنّه يطلب منّي بعض المواساة و كثيرا من الحبّ ..
لم أستطع تحريك ساكن، راودتني كلّ تلك الأفكارالتي ترعبني كلّ ليلة .. لم أستطع الهرب .. و حينها أدركت أنّ كياني مكسور، أنّ الكآبة قد اِمتصّتني بالكامل، أنّ قبح جسدي و ضعف شخصيّتي هما من تعاونا على دفن المشاعر الآدميّة التي وُلِدت فيّ ..
-إبكِ.
-كم أريد البكاء، و لكنّي لا أستطيع ..
-أحبّك..
-فلنرقص.

عزيزي القارئ، لك حرّيّة تخيّل الشخصيّات و أجناسهم، كما لك حرّيّة تخيّل بقيّة النص إن لم تكتفي بالتفاهة التي كتبتها، و لكنني لست مسؤولة عن ما فهمت و عن أين سافرت بك مخيّلتك..
و على ذكر المخيّلة، للحديث بقيّة..

Points n' commas.

                                                          Opeth - To Bid You Ferwell

.. So I've decided to come here and share a couple of fucked-up thoughts that come across my mind from time to time. Sorry for the language.
It's 7 minutes past midnight, Opeth are entertaining my ear and helping me get through this shitty night.
Oh August nights, you're supposed to be the shortest, yet you're only getting longer and scarier!

Wow, that was long for an intro..! Anyway, let's get to business.

You know (no actually, you don't.), I fear my own mind and my own thoughts, I fear the stuff I write about, and I fear my way of writing them. Call me a coward I don't give a damn! It's like 00:17 now and I'm starting to get those nighttime feelings, my confusions are taking over my mind as the world's noise fades away, my shady vision of this life and its events is getting more and more messed-up, the negativity and the dark thoughts that I'm living with become of a stronger impact as the night falls.
I really want to understand what's the thing about night, that makes everything look so different, that erases some people's memories, that makes a huge change in everyone's behaviour, that changes people's voices and that allows everything to happen (including dangerous confessions) .
I wonder what most people feel like the next morning. I wonder if they regret anything they've said or done at night, because to be honest, I don't understand what kind of mechanism in the human body makes those terrifying changes, and what makes it even worse is that I don't change in the same way as them at night ..
What's the matter with them? Or is it me who's a weird creature? I don't seem to get it ..
I hate it when older people ask me to forget about my questions, prevent me from asking, or accuse me of being out of my mind! What's wrong with seeking answers? What's wrong with thinking differently? I just do not understand..

I know I'm jumping from a topic to another, but please don't mind my very confused mind .. It's 01:01 right now, I'm dizzy, I want relief, I want peace, I want them out of my life ! Yes ! (that's another topic) Trust me, 99.99% of those whom I let into my life through the front door ended up messing with my feelings, ruining my life, my way of thinking, my perception angle for things and facts, and yeah .. EVERYTHING. I can no longer let anybody in! I'm already ruined, I'm a mess, a scary one ... Even though I hate the way I am, I can't change a thing about it. Let's face it, I lost the battle, and the only thing I'm almost free to do now is breathing. It's only through these aweful experiences that I came to realize that I really LOVED people and had faith in them until the very end, which is why it had hurt even more than it should've. That's a devastating fact indeed, I'd never wish for anyone to experience such horrifyingly painful periods (if that's even a right expression).

I didn't intend to write something so depressive and confusing, but what else can one do when confusion finds its way through to get them low, below the ground? That's the only thing that I cannot apologize for. Yup, I'd feel insecure about everything except writing, despite my scary writing style.

That was so unnecessary, right? Anyways, it's like 01:23 a.m and I'm out of feelings for now, so ...


To be continued .. maybe ..

Do you trust them?

                                                          Opeth - For Absent Friends

.. Night has fallen again, today is almost over "for them", daylight is escaping to another part of the globe, waking some other "them" up, filling them up, either with positive energy or with some quickly-fading types of emotions..
I don't like that. I honestly don't. I don't wake up to whatever they wake up to, and I'm not saying that I'm waking up to worse living conditions because .. NOPE. Sorry boo.. That's not it! But still I don't like it. What a messed up world we fucking live in! Do you ever wish you were never born to see such malicious deeds, such crimes, such violence, such thirst for money and blood ...? Do you? Probably not. You think your life is precious, don't you? If so, then why don't you open up your pretty eyes take a close look at the misery that our world is suffering? It's about time we start thinking, my dear.

Let me tell you something that might push you to think that I'm insane: I don't watch TV at all. Not a single type of shows, not a single glance at the news, no. Oh and, I'm not up-to-date with what goes on in this world anymore! I'm done with all that nonsense and I want it to stop, but can't do a thing to help... That's what's bringing me down, I suppose.
While analyzing any situation and any violent event that ever occurs, I come out with really scary conclusions, and you know what's the scariest part about all that? It's that those conclusions are the closest to reality and the farthest from what the media is making the people believe! Don't you think it's scary how truth is being replaced wih lies, and that those lies are only being held on to just because they suit a minority's will? If you don't, then I suggest you start using that mind of yours, and maybe things will get a bit clearer as you do some thinking.

The world is scary. I am scared. HELP!

While you're tweeting silly stuff, while you're drinking your milkshake and wandering around doing nothing good for yourself or for the world, while you're watching make-up tutorials trying to "look good enough" instead of reading a book that would make you "cultivated enough", a whole lot of disgusting deals are being made under a lot of tables, an awful lot of lives are being sold for the sake of obtaining power, and what kind of power! That mad power that's only used for destruction, where the ones in charge are starting unecessary wars, just to prove themselves stronger.. doesn't it scare you? doesn't make you feel at least uncomfortable?

Look back, remember how we once were, remember what they'd taught us at schools, and you'll see how much of a hypocritic world we live in! They teach you that all types of lives matter, and all they do is kill.
They teach you that all types of difference are to be accepted, yet they eliminate anybody who's different from them.
They teach you to respect everybody, but they ain't got respect for anybody.
They teach you to take care of this precious planet, yet they're the ones who are destroying it.
They teach you to love everybody and be tolerent, yet all they do is spread hate through their disgusting speeches.
They teach you that education and culture are the most important at life, yet all those who are taking control of everything are the small-minded, the evil-minded, the STUPID.

Do you still trust them?..