Look For Me..?

Benighted

Look for me, look for me in places you thought were for the living to walk through and never stay..
look for me where you've left your mind hanging on a tiring and cold january night.. Look for me, I guess I ended up losing myself while helping you build up what was missing of you.
Look for me, or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten the nights you needed to be drunk and I had to pour my soul out in a lamb for you? have you forgotten all those times you were made shiny and glittery by the one whose light died long ago? have you forgotten about me?

Oh I wouldn't blame you, trust me, at least trust me on that. I wouldn't blame anyone for forgetting, if I were the first to do it. Pay no mind to what's going on in this head, eventually, the owner of such a life will end up dead.
Pay no mind to the ugly, the abused, the hurt, the neglected, the suffering.
In times I'd admit things like my mind being one of those who plot against me, losing the definition of my own self in the process of the analytics and the thinking.
In times I'd look around and see all the beauty in the world, hating myself more and more with every ounce of beauty that my being comes across.
My skin knows, my ears know, all my senses being woke know what beauty feels like in every dimention and on every level, and all of that is but a confirmation of how much i wish to vanish and never come back again..

WHY ME? I wonder.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind. I wonder how, if it ever accurs. I wonder why, if ever there's a how. and I wonder when, if ever there's a motive born out of the unkown, being unknown for me, known for somebody else, maybe on another dimension, following a different timeline and leading to a very "strange" -dare I say- path.
I've lost myself, and at no given moment would i ever have wished to gain it back, or to get a hold of it, as it is evident that it has burnt, flesh and all.

I curse the pleasure that gave birth to my "invisibly discovered", my "unwanted" and then my "kept-by-force" existence.
leave no room for regret, my sweet, you have every right to reject me, the cursing-oneself's-existence me, the unwillingly-staying me, the unable-to-breathe me..

Look for me still. The streets are crowded with buildings, emptied of any moving entity, the sea is as disturbing and stress-generating as ever, the sky is dry-crying, and you'll never find me.

Things I Wish I Was Told Many Years Ago.

(Music)

Dear you,
at some point, you'll be twenty, and then you'll never be twenty again.

Don't damage yourself, you might regret it by the time you're twenty. Please don't damage yourself. Don't spend nights crying on the floor in the dark, don't belittle yourself, don't settle down for less than you deserve to please anyone, don't destroy your self-esteem, you are definitely gonna need it by the time you're twenty. You don't have to give in to darkness, and believe me when I say, that once you give in to it, there's no coming back.
As it is, just keep telling yourself that you have no time to be anything but happy, even if life is being hard on you, the young still-learning-to-survive you, the fragile you, the pretty with the sad eyes you.

You do not have to be somebody's honey to feel like you deserve to live a good life. You don't have to own your crush's approval to feel loved and appreciated. Love and appreciate yourself while you can, and eventually, you'll be forever cherished, wanted and fought for. Kiss your own fingertips, comfort yourself, play with your own hair, introduce your own self to new music, books, beverages, tasty food.. Take yourself out if nobody else does, go for a run or a swim by yourself if there ain't nobody who'd love to go with you. Knowing that they don't want to take care of you is your power, you'll know you're not with the wrong people, so until the right ones bump into you, you've gotta love yourself unconditionnally, and that, my darling, is how you'll stay fully ready to receive and accept lots of love from the right ones when the time has come.

But all I've been writing is making my heart ache so bad I feel it burning in great flames inside.. And all the advice I've been giving is all I wish I have been told many years ago.
You DO NOT want this to be your life. You do not want to grow up and see how years went by while you were locked in a room missing out on life. You do not want to look back and see nothing but trauma and negativity, and then nothing. And you certainly do not wish to live an empty life where days are all the same and regret is the spice for every moment that goes by.
You are worth more than anyone will make you think you are. You are more than one universe; knowing that for starters, you are your own universe, and even if you do not know it, you are, were and/or will be somebody else's universe.
If you're still not twenty, you still can get shit done so that when the time has come and when you're twenty, you'll make it an unforgettable year, and make the most of every minute of every day.

You'll still get your heart broken either by love or friendship, and maybe both. You're still gonna lie on the floor being hardly able to catch a breath, eyes blood red, battling countless monsters thinking that the night will never end, but at the very least, you know you've had amazing times in your life, and there will always be room for some more fun even the day after you thought you've lost the great war against the demons in your head.
You're still gonna have some of those days where you'd rather stay in bed all day not seeing or talking to anyone, and YES, you're still gonna feel so down in times, but hey, by the time you're twenty or more, there will be people who'll fight your battles, and hold on tight to you even when you turn into your worst self. You're still gonna have frightening nightmares, but if the days are bright, and the company is right, you'll always have the strength to fight.

How can we yearn for love if we don't give it to our own selves?

Love yourself.
Love yourself before it's too late.
Love yourself before you can no longer take a compliment.
Love yourself before you can no longer be able to fit in within people.
Love yourself before your demons take the wheel, ruining everything you have left.
Love yourself and I promise you that whatever scared you in the past will never do anymore.

Love yourself, and as for me, I wish I was told these things many years ago..

 

As The Eyes Open.

" Elevator To Heaven "

Music.. Music is the purest of all forms of art I'd say.
Music speaks to me, and I bet it does the same to everybody.
Music knows no limits, yet we do.
Music does the healing, yet none of us does.
No antidepressants have ever been as helping as music is. Matter of fact, antidepressants force things and hide other things.

Antidepressants make tears disappear when you're so in need of crying.
Antidepressants control your facial expressions, hide sadness and fear, show the fakest of them smiles.
Music does the healing right, even if temporarily.
Music knows what you're going through.
Music lets you control it. YES. When it comes to music, you're in control, whether it is for what you hear or what you create. YOU'RE IN CONTROL.

Control. I fear it, and when I'm afraid, music does the calming down.
Control is power, and power is control. But controlling one's own self means having power on one's self. Isn't that an impossible task? Doesn't it look aweful once we revert back to reality after loosing it?

I don't even know what reality is anymore.. I doubt the things I see with my own eyes.
I don't believe my own brain anymore. I'm only 20 and it's already a great dilemma.
Shit that scares me the most is that I don't know what I'm doing and what I'm not. I'm afraid that what I think I'm living right now is but an illusion. I'm afraid I'm doing stuff that I'm not conscious about.

Consciousness is a whole ocean. A sky. A dilemma in itself.
It scares the hell out of me, knowing that at some point, I might act up while I'm consciously off. And knowing in itself is a problem, because why would I say I know when I'm not sure about the wellness of the links between my body parts and my brain? I might sense stuff that aren't there and sense nothing when in reality, I'm being burnt. Isn't that scary?
That's the thing about knowing I guess.. It's always relative and uncertain. It's always wronged by our doubts and fear.

Consciousness and knowing share this very common bond which is the unrelativity! Consciousness isn't always garanteed. Same goes for knowing, and as we may be wrong about some information, we may also be wrong about what we think we're conscious of.
What we sense isn't always concrete, but I'm afraid it might be real yet hidden out of sight.

Link the dots my child, who knows, You might come out with new rules for the whole universe, but until that happens, you'll still be in denial of the aweful things you've done, and you'll look for excuses, as silly as they may be, to justify the things you weren't even "awake" while doing...

About the love you never receive.

(Tabloid Blues Band - Tears From My Eyes)

I don't know how can people survive the unvoluntary submergence in destructive feelings.. I just don't.

I keep on repeating some words that make so much sense: "You can get knocked down by your own feelings."

Matter of fact, you have every needed ingredien to poison yourself: A kind heart, an overthinking mind and a very unlikeable body (or even one part of it; probably face, fat tummy, etc...) but here's the best part about the whole thing: YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH IT!

You want to believe that you have the same chances of being loved and appreciated by people as everyone else, but who is it you think you're fooling? You know it ain't true. 

Here's the thing about insecure people: They're the ones who end up being unloved most of the time.
They become delusional in a certain way: Their minds make up stories as for why they're so "unlovable", you know.. Things like "You're ugly", "You're not smart enough", "You don't know how to talk to people"...

Imagination is a bitch, messing up with emotionnally damaged people.
You're being a prisonner of some feelings of hatred and bitterness toward your own self, and that's what being unlovable is all about.

I pity those who aim for the impossible, 'cus yeah, they're the ones who end up screwed and scarred!
I pity those who cannot find people with the same taste of music as them..
Those who are so lonely that they fall for those who show sympathy toward them..
Those who are victims of unrequited love..
Those who were cheated on..
Those who had fake friends all the time and only found out after they gave it all they had..
Those who stay awake at night, cornered and beaten up by their own emotions..

What is it we're looking for in life, in people, in shops, in bars, in books? Just what the hell are we looking for?
Why do we keep chasing the unreachable? Why do we link our happiness to the unobtainable?
Why do we enjoy torturing ourselves?

This is such a mess.. We want to let it all out but we cannot even put words in the right order.
We happen to run out of inspiration and creativity.. We run out of the one single reason why some people appreciate our existence and think that we're good enough to have a conversation with.
We run out of happiness, we find ourselves left with nothing but depressive thoughts.
That's the point! Happiness is feeling worthy of someone's time and energy! Happiness is people appreciating the things you do for them. It is us feeling like we belong for an instant. That one instant is all we want, but it fades away too fast.
You know what else fades away? Time! Smiles! Affection! Determination! Us.
We fade away, since we're limited after all! We're a mesurement of time that gets replaced by "freshly made lives".

What does time have to do with our insecurities? Does time erase the guilt we carry with us through the days? Probably not.
All I know is that one day, if clouds haven't gotten the better of our skies, we'd probably manage to Be Happy. Maybe it's the only way we can be loved for who we seem to be.
Maybe one day, as we watch the sky, a shooting star passes by, we'd make a wish about becoming accepted and loved, and we'd magically get convinced that we're worth it.
Maybe...

Links for the chain.

(Ending Credits)

Truth is always said to be concrete and obvious.. It is said to be the purest of all things, the closest to our hearts and the most manipulative weapon we can ever use.
I'll tell you the truth, I'll tell it whole, but please don't step on my remains.. I'm already in pain.

-What’s with the fake smile, aye! Is everything alright?
Please don’t give me that face.. I need to understand what’s going on inside your head.
Don’t you dare tell me you need some time alone because I’ve already given you 19 years of alone time to think ahead and try to figure things out by yourself!

-I’m alright. It’s just that I’m lacking sleep.

-Oh come on! Not that same lie again! You’ve been telling everybody the same lie for years now and I’m sick of that!  I’m not them, I’m not a stranger, I’m your..

-Of course you are a stranger! Of course you are! How can you not be a stranger when I’ve never trusted you? You’re not an exception, you’re the same as everybody else and I’ll never trust you! Please don’t look disappointed ‘cause I bet my life you’d be even more disgusted and turned down if I ever lied to your face and claimed that you are my only trusted friend and that I only feel secure when you’re around. I know that’s what you’ve always wanted to hear but I’m sorry, I cannot lie about such things. I cannot deny the fact that you’re doing your best, but I never asked for that.. I never asked for sympathy from anyone, I never wanted you to try and understand me.. Matter of fact, I fucking hate it when you or other ones ask me what’s wrong! I hate that, and I fucking hate people who insist on knowing! Fuck you. I don’t wanna trust you, no, not with my fragile remains, not with stories behind my scars… Fuck you. Don’t even try!

-Thank you for the kind words, but in case you have forgotten, I'd like to remind you of the fact that you cannot get past my existence. I’ve been here since day one and I ain’t planning on leaving even if you want me to. You can’t live without me. You can’t handle things alone, you’re so consumed by loneliness and you just cannot do shit about it.
I hope you gather up enough courage to let go of the past.. I hope you grow wise enough to forgive them.. I hope for the best to happen to you, and that's what I've been trying to achieve for the last 19 years: I've been trying to make you move on with your life and let go of the grudge you're holding, because I've seen it grow strong and consume your broken soul. You deserve to be saved so  please don't push me away, trust me, give me a chance, don't give up on yourself. You're surrounded by assholes and that's what makes the situation twice as fucked up. I know how sad you get at the sight of them leaving, I know how hurt can you get by words thrown randomly at you during some "fun time", I know how fragile you are, I know how to treat you, how to tend your wounds, how to introduce you to life outside of the dark cubic room.. Please let me help.

-BULLSHIT! I don't trust you. I will never give you the power to manipulate me. We're done, now it's time to bid you and the whole world farewell!

-WaIT!NO! Don't..

And she fell, from the 27th floor down to her bloody end, leaving the world to those who can either handle it or ignore its bullshit and survive.. She left no trace of depression or whatever it is that can push a person to commit suicide. Few hours later the police came by to examinate her place, and found a videotape of her last minutes of life. They played it, and agreed that the girl had some mental issues, as they saw her alone, talking to... Nobody.

Unforgotten.

" Leave The Light On "

Yearning for something new is always normal, always expected. Yearning for old stuff is what fucks my mind up. I'm in a state of dizziness and confusion.. I want some of my childhood back.. I want a part of the worst years of my life back, and I mean what I'm sayin' ..

Do you miss me, dear old cartoons, dear first toys, dear torn-up walls, dear imaginary boys?
Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you get the same feelings I used to get back then? Do you ever feel broken for not being able to turn back in time?
I fucking hate time! ... DO YOU?
Do you sing along with me when I play old music and cry as I be recalling words and how much they meant to me? Do you get the chills, watching old photos and smelling old books?

I'm torn apart, and you're nowhere to be found.. I'm all messed up, I know, but then there are those details that make me forgive my father.. There are some moments that make me get over the pain for some time .. There's this old photobook and those old songs stuck within the same memory that keeps on torturing me and making me the monster I am.. The monster they'll never see.
But where are you when I need you the most? Where the hell are you wanderin'? I'm right in front of you! Come on, little nice memories..
I know you'll never be real ever again, but... HELP..?

You're to get all the blame, yet you would've never been born this way if it wasn't for people's actions. I don't know why I'm blaming you for all this mess I'm living in, all in all you're just a mass of consequences .. Bad ones I can tell. You're the result of all the scars, the tears, the burns, the slaps, the kicks, the punshes.. You're the result of what they've done, yet you get all the blame. So unfair, isn't it?

Ain't I crazy, dear readers? I'm writing this whole thing to something that's been created thanks to my existence, something that only lives inside of me, and dies soon as I vanish away, leaving nothing but that photoalbum that contains all of my photos, taken as I cry ...
Yeah, that reminds me of how much I hated everything, even photos. I was shy, scared of everyone and everything, ashamed of being who I am even as a kid.
"But hey, I thought kids are supposed to be innocent and spontanious!"
Yes. Unfortunately, they are.

Fiction. I fucking loved fiction back then. I had a crush on a fictionnal character. I had dreams about myself getting all those fictionnal powers I used to imagine while reading books or watching TV.
I used to pray to God under my blanket, asking to own any type of superpower.
That shit lived up with me for years and years, until I suddenly lost faith in God, in all gods, and all sacred beliefs.
I kept on praying for an unexisting "God", to get something that was out of everyone's reach. I yearned for the unreachable and now all I've got left is a tons of memories that torture me, yet keep me alive. Depressive, ain't it?

Fiction. I still see fiction between the lines of my favorite books.. The lines of a fictionnal character's body.. The lines that I had to walk straight on but I refused and chose my own shady path.. Fiction.

I love fiction. I hate inventing fictionnal stuff. I feel like a God, failing his mission to make an imaginary creature come to life. I hate this. I hate me. And I hate childhood.


I don't drink or do drugs.. I'm just looking for a sort of relief.. I'm fading away.

Superpowers do not exist.

(Leave The Light on)

If you had the choice, what superpower would you have and why?

1- I'd most probably choose the ability to fly. To be honest, I'm suffocating down here and I'd like to see what it's like to see this planet from above.. Plus, I think it would be good to be able to escape anything, anytime, to be able to fly away from it all and just take some time out.. I mean, come on! Isn't it tiring, having to deal with people and their shits on a daily basis? Isn't it annoying, having to spend your whole life either WALKING away or SITTING down there waiting for a miracle? RUNNING won't get me as far as flying will, and instead of SITTING down and waiting for the perfect chance, I'd fly and go get it myself.

2- Definitely Invisibility. As for why, I think it's because it's better to turn into an invisible creature and just be of no harm to anybody than to suffer from insecurities and have to do a great effort to hide your pain and suffering just to look normal in front of those assholes who treat you like shit, not giving a damn about your psychological state, and then claim that they're your friends, they're not being rough with you, they're just kidding and you're a fucking retarded for asking them to be a bit nicer ! *Sighs* .. Sorry but how can you be willing to deal with such circumstances for the rest of your miserable life just to "look normal"? Is that even logical? I mean.. If they do not tolerate your insecurities and try to help you get over them, then how the fuck can they be called YOUR FRIENDS? I just don't get it..

3- It's hard to choose, but... hummm.. I've already made my mind as a kid, and the definition of ultimate power for me was Reading Minds, probably because it's always good, knowing what people think of you or what they're willing to do to you in the future.. It's a life saviour I'd say!
Some people pretend they love us, but they don't.. Some people make promises, but they never keep them.. Some others want to earn your trust and act like they're your closest people, just so they can hurt you in every possible way later.. Actually, I have stopped asking myself why do human beings do such stuff when I realised that there's nothing I can do to change such facts, but there are infinite possibilities for me to escape them as much as I can. To be totally honest, it's so hard to do so without knowing what those around you are thinking, although it is possible to understand people's ways of thinking in very short periods of time.. Still I really need that superpower in order to avoid damage and keep my distance with those who fake sympathy and love. I'm already afraid that everybody hates me so I try my best not to socialize, but everytime I do, due to various reasons, I end up being scarred and hurt to a point that a lot of things inside of me change instantly without me trying anything at all.

4- Body Flexibility is what I'd choose for sure, surely because I'll fall in love with my body if I ever get to experience such a thing! I'm sure I'd be less insecure about my body and all its ugly details if I get the chance to extend and twist my whole body freely and as much as I want.. Oh man, that's not pretty, but it's all I want I swear to God. You have no idea about the constant pain I'm living with, trying so hard to love myself and failing every attempt, oh and.. failing makes it even worse.. It makes everything worse than it already is.. It makes you want to stop existing because your existence itself feels like a huge failure, and everytime you think about it, the fucked up feeling intensifies.. You just cannot escape from that room full of feels and broken mirrors if you carry on, living this "appearently normal" life.

5- Most certainly the power to control water. I mean, is there any better superpower in the world? I doubt if there's any. To be fully honest, I am pyrophobic,since I've been seeing nightmares of me burning alive since I was a child, and the same nightmare can still get me and scare the shit out of me to this very day. I hate fire ! It is disgusting ! Fire is anger.. Fire is agressivity.. Fire is roughness.. Fire is unfaithfulness.. Fire is every fear I have in the world, burning in flames but getting bigger and scarier instead of vanishing away in ashes as the wind blows. I cannot tell what I've been through as a child, but I can assure you that I hated fire because of some people's ways of treating me. It's what made me the weird and insecure I am today, and at this very moment, talking about flames makes me wanna drown in water and experience death. Controling water will help me deal with fire, and whoever starts a fire and runs away.. It will give me enough strength to stand and fight those agressive people who keep on treating me like shit just because I don't react to their bitchy acts and try to convince myself that they're friends so they deserve other chances.. I fucking hate fire, and if I ever got the chance to control water, I'd let them all drown and send them straight to hell.

Here's the deal, dear readers: The ones who were asked and gave answers were imagining themselves doing what they wanted to do with their most wanted supernatural abilities, which is why an answer that could've taken two sentences took way more than that.. 

How happy can one be, simply imagining himself doing what he wants to do, having what he wants to have, being where he wants to be. We all have our fantasies, and we all wish for 'em to come true, even if we grow old enough to see death wandering near us..

PS: I have asked myself a question, I have given my answers, and what you were reading was what I've always wanted to say. . .