Monday, August 22, 2016

Anxious or nah?


                                                                    Elliot Moss - Slip

It's been days since I last slept. I hate that kind of pain you experience when you're exhausted and all you could ever ask for is some hours of sleep, but you just can't get any.. The struggle to remain calm despite all the unbearable exterior stress-causing facts.. The desperation to run from it all and leave to NOWHERE.

I'm not going to apologize for the f'd up intro. I don't even know how the hell am I able to write in these shitty conditions!

Man o' man, what have all those insecurities done to me.. Poor little me.
I still want to talk about all those assholes who make fun of other people's insecurities, but what good is that gonna do? Even those who surround me and say they love me are doing the same: They make fun of your weaknesses, your insecurities and your fears! They talk rude to you whenever you're anxious, not giving a shit about the fact that YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT! They say you are just being silly, they call you names and humiliate you then pretend to care for you and love you.
They make fun of who you are and seem to hate all about you, saying you're a ball of insecurities and anxiety.. And then they want you there by their sides, backing them up whenever they face the tiniest problems.. The strange thing is; You always do as they want!
You know, one time a "friend" of mine got into a tiny argument with her mother over something you'll definately think was silly, she cried and screamed, she panicked and got so frustrated that no one could even talk to her .. Guess who understood her frustration and got her out of it?

Man o' man I bet it makes you feel horrible whenever you think about how bothersome they make you feel like you've become whenever anxiety knocks on your door in public. You also hate the fact that nobody could ever understand why you tend to isolate yourself at home and not get out with anybody.. You hate that it made them leave.
And now you just hate everything about mental and psychological disorders!

Here's what I've always wanted to say to those who hurt other people:
You'll never know how an anxious person struggles to go to the closest shop to their home to buy some necessary stuff! You'll never know the amount of frustration they try to deal with, as people lay eyes on them while they're crossing the street! You'll never see pain in their broken smiles; but they do understand, and they don't ask for any favor, so why don't you be a decent human bein' and show respect? They struggle on a daily basis and do their best to deal with it, no matter the difficulties, they're true worriors and you are not!

Please be nice, to everybody .. I'm not telling you to smile for anybody you come across or to take everybody out for a ride, I'm only asking you to respect people, because you never know what people went or still go through, you never know when they'll reach their breaking point so don't be the reason they do .. They won't tell you they live with any kind of disorder (unless it's an eating disorder, then they'll have to tell you if you're gonna cook for them or take them out for dinner), they won't explain their pain to you, not only because they don't want to sound like they want your pity, but also because they cannot explain what happens to them since they don't really uderstand it, they know nothing about its origins and even if they knew, they'd hide it from you to avoid any unpleasant act that might come outta you ..

You see how much a simple word can affect a person?

Please be careful and watch your behaviour.







Friday, August 19, 2016

أنت و خيبات أملي.


                                                A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless

"أين نحن يا عزيزي؟ أين أنت؟ كم بعيد أنت عنّي؟"

تلك كانت الأسئلة التي أطرحها على المجهول اللذي يقتحم كوابيسي كلّ ليلة ليطرد الرّعب عن مخيّلتي.. تلك المخيّلة التي برعت في تعذيبي مذ بدأت أعي بما حولي..
هو لم يكن فارسا يمتطي حصانا و يرتدي درعا.. هو لم يشهر سيفا في وجه الوحوش التي تطاردني كلّ ما غفوت.. لا.
مجرّد ضهوره أمامي كان يزيح كلّ ذلك الحمل الثقيل عنّي، و رغم أنّي لا أعرف عنه شيء، إلّا أنني تعوّدت على وجوده.

- أاُطلعك على سرّ؟ لقد تعبت من الوحدة! تعبَت مخيّلتي من إختلاق الأصدقاء.. لم أعد أستطيع مواجهة هذا الفراغ المظلم الذي إجتاح جسدي و روحي .. تلك الرّوح التائهة التافهة التي لم يعد يسعها أيّ مكان على وجه هذه الأرض.
تعبت من الوحدة و لا أريد أصدقاء. لا أريد أيّ نوع من العلاقات و لا أطلب من أحد إيجاد حلّ... تعبت من الوحدة و كفى.

- أتعرفين من أنا؟ أنا الوحدة التي سكنتك و اِعتكفت كنائس روحك المنهكة. أنا من كان يتسلّى بجعلك ترين أفضع الكوابيس لآتي كالفارس الشهم و أتظاهر بإنقاذك. أنا من كان يحثّك على المكوث لساعات بل لأيّام في غرفتك.
أنت لم تتعبي منّي قطّ، لقد اِستسلمت لي و تعوّدت على وجودي.
إعترفي بأنّك لا تستطيعين التّخلّي عنّي مهما حاولت، بأنّ مصيرك مرتبط بي و بأنّ تواجدك وسط مجموعة بشريّة ليس هدفك في الحياة. إعترفي بأنّ وجودي يلهم مخيّلتك للكتابة و الرّقص .. تحتاجيني في كلّ خطوات حيا..

- نعم أحتاجك! أرجوك لا تتركني.

- ظننتك قد تعبت منّي.. أغيّرت رأيك؟

- لا. أريدك أن تلازمني حتّى أدفنك مع كلّ خيبات أملي حين أرحل.

- إلى أين؟

- إلى جوار الرّب إذا ما وجدته.




Sunday, August 14, 2016

فلنرقص.

                                                                 
                                                                    Yuma - نغير عليك

لقد أقسمت أن أختفي، و لكنّ تلك المرآة اللعينة لا تفشل أبدا في تذكيري بأنّ قَسَمي شبه كاذب.. "شبه كاذب" لأنني نجحت في إخفاء الجزء العاطفيّ فيّ. لقد دفنته. هو لم يمت بعد، و لكنّي متأكّدة أنّه سينام الدّهر و لن يبصر الضّوء مجدّدا. 

-أنت على خطأ، ما من أحد يستطيع العيش بدون مشاعر.
-و هل بدى لك أنني على قيد الحياة؟
- ألازال الدم يسري في عروقك؟
-سأقطّعني إربا حتّى نتأكّد. أين السّكّين يا ..
-كفى! ما الذي غيّرك؟ ما الذي أدّى بشخص مثلك إلى الجنون؟
-فلنرقص!
-أحبّك...
-قلت فلنرقص.

لم أدع أحدا يكلّمني تلك الليلة. عانقت الوسادة و إستلقيت أرضا، على أمل أن يمرّ الوقت بسرعة، أن أستيقظ من ذلك الكابوس الفضيع..

-كفاك كذبا. لقد كان حلما جميلا.
-لا بل كان مروّعا !
-كيف ذلك؟
-لم أستطع النظر إليه، لم أتمكّن من الغرق في ظلام عينيه.. لم أستطع الكلام .. كان يشكو لي همومه، يسرد لي ذاك الكلام الذي نسرده لأنفسنا و نقسم ألّا نبوح به لأحد مهما تعبنا و أنهِكَت قوانا، كان يمرّر أصابعه الرّقيقة بين خصل شعري المتموّج، كأنّه يطلب منّي بعض المواساة و كثيرا من الحبّ ..
لم أستطع تحريك ساكن، راودتني كلّ تلك الأفكارالتي ترعبني كلّ ليلة .. لم أستطع الهرب .. و حينها أدركت أنّ كياني مكسور، أنّ الكآبة قد اِمتصّتني بالكامل، أنّ قبح جسدي و ضعف شخصيّتي هما من تعاونا على دفن المشاعر الآدميّة التي وُلِدت فيّ ..
-إبكِ.
-كم أريد البكاء، و لكنّي لا أستطيع ..
-أحبّك..
-فلنرقص.

عزيزي القارئ، لك حرّيّة تخيّل الشخصيّات و أجناسهم، كما لك حرّيّة تخيّل بقيّة النص إن لم تكتفي بالتفاهة التي كتبتها، و لكنني لست مسؤولة عن ما فهمت و عن أين سافرت بك مخيّلتك..
و على ذكر المخيّلة، للحديث بقيّة..





Sunday, August 7, 2016

Points n' commas.


                                                          Opeth - To Bid You Ferwell

.. So I've decided to come here and share a couple of fucked-up thoughts that come across my mind from time to time. Sorry for the language.
It's 7 minutes past midnight, Opeth are entertaining my ear and helping me get through this shitty night.
Oh August nights, you're supposed to be the shortest, yet you're only getting longer and scarier!

Wow, that was long for an intro..! Anyway, let's get to business.

You know (no actually, you don't.), I fear my own mind and my own thoughts, I fear the stuff I write about, and I fear my way of writing them. Call me a coward I don't give a damn! It's like 00:17 now and I'm starting to get those nighttime feelings, my confusions are taking over my mind as the world's noise fades away, my shady vision of this life and its events is getting more and more messed-up, the negativity and the dark thoughts that I'm living with become of a stronger impact as the night falls.
I really want to understand what's the thing about night, that makes everything look so different, that erases some people's memories, that makes a huge change in everyone's behaviour, that changes people's voices and that allows everything to happen (including dangerous confessions) .
I wonder what most people feel like the next morning. I wonder if they regret anything they've said or done at night, because to be honest, I don't understand what kind of mechanism in the human body makes those terrifying changes, and what makes it even worse is that I don't change in the same way as them at night ..
What's the matter with them? Or is it me who's a weird creature? I don't seem to get it ..
I hate it when older people ask me to forget about my questions, prevent me from asking, or accuse me of being out of my mind! What's wrong with seeking answers? What's wrong with thinking differently? I just do not understand..

I know I'm jumping from a topic to another, but please don't mind my very confused mind .. It's 01:01 right now, I'm dizzy, I want relief, I want peace, I want them out of my life ! Yes ! (that's another topic) Trust me, 99.99% of those whom I let into my life through the front door ended up messing with my feelings, ruining my life, my way of thinking, my perception angle for things and facts, and yeah .. EVERYTHING. I can no longer let anybody in! I'm already ruined, I'm a mess, a scary one ... Even though I hate the way I am, I can't change a thing about it. Let's face it, I lost the battle, and the only thing I'm almost free to do now is breathing. It's only through these aweful experiences that I came to realize that I really LOVED people and had faith in them until the very end, which is why it had hurt even more than it should've. That's a devastating fact indeed, I'd never wish for anyone to experience such horrifyingly painful periods (if that's even a right expression).

I didn't intend to write something so depressive and confusing, but what else can one do when confusion finds its way through to get them low, below the ground? That's the only thing that I cannot apologize for. Yup, I'd feel insecure about everything except writing, despite my scary writing style.

That was so unnecessary, right? Anyways, it's like 01:23 a.m and I'm out of feelings for now, so ...


To be continued .. maybe ..